tsubibo

yes, a pen and paper

2011-11-29T05:49:00.000+11:00

i saw the sun rise today and it compelled me to write.

but what is there to write about?
maybe if i pay more attention to the view outside the window
or watch more sunrises, i would know.
instead, i almost always choose to play jewels on train rides.

still.
here i am really wanting to write.
so.
bear with me as my hand is hoping (or willing) my brain to write.

it's been a long while.

reality bites back harder

2010-11-21T17:28:00.001+11:00

being a mom is an exercise of humility --- i make decisions for another life and with that comes wrong ones. most of these mistakes now, my son would not even count against me.

being in the hospital for the 5th day now, i got excited to be able to put on a proper top for galak. i wasn't thinking that he would struggle, as he always does, when being dressed. the cannula came off. the cannula that was painstakingly put in. that i watched put in, in wretched state. 3 times in 5 days. and i heralded the looming 4th one.

the nurse told me casually, "you win some, you lose some". that encouraged me to move on.

moving on, i think about the mistakes, the carelessness and the stupid things i am yet to make as a mom. i pray that none will ever cost my child his life.

humbled, i am reminded again, that nothing is beyond God's grace. i have put this child through a lot and he is only 11 weeks old. he has put up with everything graciously, so far. neither wise nor learned, i pray that God will enable me and sustain me and teach me to forgive myself as i go along.

i need wisdom to hasten to me.

miss diagnosis

2010-08-25T19:39:00.010+10:00

for someone who has been living life with reckless abandon
chancing upon fear can be very confusing
i have never looked at fear eye to eye
heck, i never even bothered to look

it had been an uneventful pregnancy
then at 29 weeks, bang
blood pressure was on the rise
and the trend is only going up

my 8-day stint at the hospital was alright
i enjoyed the hot showers and free food and lodging
i was basking in the climate-controlled private room of a public hospital
and i didn't have to pay for medical care

yes, i had been told day in and day out i will deliver prematurely
be transferred to another hospital more equipped to handle my case
and the meds seemed like placebo, (still fear wasn't there)
increase in dosage and variety didn't improve my blood pressure

last saturday though, i was finally sent home, to my delight
then, fear sank in --- what if i am going to have a still-born baby?
now i know fear can be gripping
at least it stopped me on my tracks

might be the triple meds made me more than just drowsy
as nightmares came and went, so did restful sleep
i fancy death, too much personally maybe
but not for the child i am carrying...

i dreaded sleeping as i dreaded waking up
the thought of hospital care brought shivers
i began to imagine the symptoms that weren't there
and oh, if only the baby would move regularly

today's scan was acceptable enough
for the doctor to let me keep the baby another day
3 weeks ago, the doctors weren't expecting me to reach 32 weeks
32 weeks IS tomorrow

i left the hospital feeling less dread, more hope
so this is how it is, living a day at a time
which is a reminder that God wants my complete dependence
my life is His, so is the baby's --- i keep on forgetting

maybe i will reach full term, maybe not
but that doesn't seem to matter now
what i hold on to is God's goodness and grace
despite my faithlessness

i think i am getting used to the meds now
because i am back to feeling well again
and i actually welcome the aches and pains on the side
because they mean my tummy (and baby) is still growing

it is nice to know fear
but nicer to know that God has grips on my life
may i live the rest of my life in reckless abandon still
and may my child choose to live each day of his

mum's the word

2010-05-09T18:51:00.001+10:00

motherhood
i signed up for it
my application is now being processed

i am pregant
at 16 weeks gestation
and i realise one starts to become a mother not with the birth of one's child
but when one finds out she is pregnant with a child

it is a very challenging role
and like all others, i didn't expect anything at all
which is wise and unwise at the same time

i initially detested the physical intrusions
i felt tired most days
then there's nausea to deal with
and not wanting to eat but having to eat "for the baby"

now those days are theoretically over
i can see myself physically changing though
my waist widening, my tummy firming up and bulging out more
itches here, aches there
my work slacks are slowly getting tight
and chill autumn winds make it not so nice to wear skirts

the list of inconveniences can go on
there's the emotional turmoil one goes through
mulling over letting go of a security blanket, could be a career
and trying to be everything the society, or magazines, dictates
and i haven't even begun pondering on the pain of childbirth...

then i heard a baby's heartbeat
inside me

now i drink milk, at least eat cereals with it
i sleep as much as i can
and pray to God to keep this life in me safe

this is living for another in a very tangible form
and i have to keep up, selfish that i am

i'd say my appreciation for motherhood changed with this pregnancy
to all the mothers whose lives i have considered and pondered upon

ongma, mama, ma, apung nene and aunts
ate wimmy, ate lei, mercy chi and ate candice
aimee, cindy, pen, jeanette and mona
mothers from dcbc, gec, hope anglican/st. paul's and vinnies

thank you

slumber party

2010-04-14T22:48:00.002+10:00

i can be very picky with pillows
i require so much from them ---
comfortable, resilient and enduring

until last weekend, my pillows of choice would be soft, fluffy ones
however, over the years, i realised that well-used pillows
change shape and flatten out to the point of being uncomfortable
that i decided to get a firm latex pillow

he who said, "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it" was wise
but i think his wisdom didn't come with age, it came with experience

6 months had past and i am still out of work
(not really, as home duties is a full time responsibility as is
but you know what i mean)

the first 2 had been pure bliss
just the thought of getting out whole from a very stressful role
and then there was preparing for a month-long vacation to the philippines
then the month-long vacation in the philippines

the second 2 had been an agonizing wait
i applied to be admitted to a masters in public health program
and then applied to quite a number of part-time jobs to go with it
only to find out things weren't going to be as i hoped they would

these last 2 months were challenging
dealing with things of all sorts, emotions have been running amuck

once, i applied for a placement in an undergraduate public health program
there was no placement available
it took me 15 years to try again, the same results
being wounded twice in the exact same spot isn't nice at all

then comes staying at home, running a household
which i have always wanted to do if i can afford it
i got what i wanted then realised my pride couldn't afford it

i am so used to be financially independent
(read i am dependent on God alone and not to anybody else)
i seem to hate being taken out of my comfort-zone
(which isn't necessarily comfortable, come to think of it)

i guess getting what i want doesn't mean getting it in my terms
that would be too easy and that would make me bask and boast
i thank God for this

back to my latex pillow
thinking it through, there wasn't a pillow that was instantly comfortable
all took time for me to get used to
some took a while, others took almost none at all

so does change
(which almost always make me defiant
and spend a lot of time moping, whining and sulking)
but i know eventually, i will make the change mine

(i can't say the same for my latex pillow
as there's a no return no exchange policy for pillows
it is mine to begin with)

goodnight.

on to living, the second time around

2009-11-29T00:09:00.014+11:00

first times are mostly unexpected, accidents or serendipity
reviews help in the choosing, as excerpts and covers
the allure of reading a book for the first time ---
discovery, novelty and the mystery of not really knowing what you're getting

time off from work gave me some time to give in to my book lust
happy to have finally gotten a copy of the interpreter of maladies
for 50 cents from the hurstville library annual book sale
i have also loaned the great gatsby, in large print because it's the only available copy

but this isn't about books to read
nor is this about books i read about a million times
like the little prince and the velveteen rabbit
which i find comfort in -- their simplicity never fails to perplex me

this is about the luxury of reading a book for the second time
i was surprised that it actually brings an illogical tingling sense of excitement
i can be nostalgic, i wonder what made me like something
i also think back on what i possibly missed out, but most of the time without regret

i have read the chronicles of a death foretold twice
the second time was more mindful than the first, with the intent to understand
to really listen (or read for that matter), i am glad i did

then there's catcher in the rye
which i didn't like when i read it back in highschool
it wasn't a required reading, but joel was reading it
i read it again recently
the story didn't change, but i have
this time i found it a joy to read and holden, someone to remember

i was deciding which book to read next and i was looking at my gabriels
(which thankfully ivy brought to sydney)
there are 3 books i still haven't read

settled to read one hundred years of solitude again
i would like to think of it as putting things in perspective
i need to remember what made me read him in the first place
before i start on the other 3 first-time books
as i hold it in my hands, i feel more uncertain, unsure
"what if it doesn't turn out the way i expected?"

i am suddenly reminded that nothing turns out as expected
that's why i find life so darn hard to live
the same reason why living is interesting
all the same, i want to stay alive for a moment longer to know what happens next

second times can be insightful and are far from dull
they are about deliberately wanting to, not just chancing upon
but i have to remember though, i can't always afford a repeat performance

i am busy clicking my mouse

2009-10-25T11:02:00.002+11:00

in the meantime

2009-08-25T00:07:00.006+10:00

i am now used to pushing the switch down to turn the lights on.

i no longer wonder what microsoft has to do with cleaning when asked "where's the powerpoint i can plug this vacuum into?"

i got the hang of riding a bus or a car and don't feel like crashing into other vehicles each time. i am especially proud that i now know which direction to look first when crossing the street.

i revel in the fact that i live with both the conveniences of a metropolis and a country home. i still find sydney beautiful, more so on a fine clear day and i enjoy the peace and quiet at nighttime. (yes, i can actually hear crickets like i used to, growing up in kidapawan and makilala.)

i am now used to people telling me my english is good but i still think i'm better off with my mouth shut: i still say "lag out" when i mean "log out" or "CrappingApp" for "CroppingApp".

i am still taxed as much as i was before but this time, i don't get taxed additionally for necessities but taxed heavily for luxuries. eating out, getting a haircut and feminine pads are taxed additionally. however, i get my thyroid meds for half the price i used to pay plus my regular visit to the doctor is free. i do not pay a premium for water, food and electricity but internet connection is a different story.

fruits abound and can be very sweet, but no mango here even comes close to the one i grew up with. i find the people kinder, (as, in my opinion, they fight lesser battles) but family and friends are still being missed.

a year has gone by and i am getting enough sleep.
God is indeed good.

just-because-i-don't-paint therapy

2009-07-17T12:21:00.003+10:00

*

'one for the road', he'd say

as he was drinking from his cup of coffee,
he kept on seeing her.
as smoke was rising from the ashtray,
he knew he should stop.

the grass, fine and sparse, her hair
the clouds dance, her laughter
the feel of the paper cup, her unlotioned hand
the brown of the timber chair, her eyes
the coldness of the aluminum table, her goodbye

she left without turning back
not even to see the door slam behind her
she left with no trace of regret
not even for the early times they shared

he gathered the ashes that fell on the table
washed down the coffee with a cup of cold water
said his thank you to the staff
put on his bag on his shoulder then walked away
after lighting another cigarette

repeat.

eleven degrees

2009-06-24T12:23:00.011+10:00

i am a sucker for melancholy.

i love stories that weigh much of sadness.
my choices almost always exclude stories with happy endings.

maybe because such dismal stories ring truer ---
as nothing lasts in this world.
happy endings are not really endings, they are beginnings.
but then again, despairing endings can also be seen as beginnings...

so, with nothing really settled, i still would opt for despondence.

crying brings such a relief that when a certain mood strikes me, i have 3 readily available movies i'd watch over and over:
1. The Royal Tenenbaums
2. Lost in Translation
3. 5 Centimeters Per Second
no, i don't watch them in a particular order, and definitely not watch them in one sitting.

i am reading again.

i visited one bookshop after my visit to the doctor and found J.D. Salinger's Franny and Zooey.
(even when i am not reading, i still enjoy going to bookshops. and if a book interests me, in one way or another, i'd buy it.)
i distinctively remember the staff, on getting my payment, telling me, "I just finished reading that one. A very good read, I'd say."

it turned out to be more than a good read:
i fell in love with the Glass family.
it somehow cast a spell on me and i'm back to reading ---
while waiting for the train, on the train, at home, even at my desk at work during lunch time.

today, on my way to work, i read "For Esmé – with Love and Squalor".
while reading it for the first time, i had the feeling of having read the story before. but i could not remember when, how, or if at all.
it moved me to melancholy as surely as eating marshmallows make me lose my appetite for a proper meal.

say "ta" for thank you

2009-06-01T10:46:00.001+10:00

melbourne's cbd is pretty
as european city pretty, they say
i haven't been to europe so i am taking it as that.

it was warm when i flew in
and rather mild for its nasty reputation:
warm one moment then chilly the next,

it didn't send me off without showing it's true colors through
got chillier almost touching biting cold
my winter coat was handy, especially on the last week of autumn

pretty, cute, very
lovely backdrop
for maturely childish phone calls

i had a rather busy week, conversational skills put to the test
met some who said they are yet to meet someone from the phils who's not happy,
joy's the name and i am just trying to live up to it

it was a jaw dropping experience
as anyone would when stopped on a walkway by a total stranger
"you are really pretty! this is ridiculous but i just wanted to tell you that."

a new sight is a new sight
where cars are impatient and trams are determinely passive
but would rather go around by foot and be surprised.

2009-05-11T11:59:00.009+10:00

i watched juno last night.
vanessa's compelling desire to be a a mother
and juno's courage to go through childbirth reminded me of a friend.
pen lovingly and courageously endured a couple of months of bed rest for her son.
today, she is fervently praying he will get out of the incubator soon.

love. courage. friendship. life.
celebrate with us.

Ticket prices --- 500 pesos or 200 pesos.
Depending on how much you would like to contribute.
It comes with one free drink :)

gorgeous friday

2009-04-10T12:31:00.006+10:00

i drew this to remember the design of the swatch i am wearing.

i like to look back, to reminisce.
maybe because the past helps me make sense of the present
and makes me anticipate the future.

recently, i remembered i don't know many mothergoose rhymes.
having been born in a laid back town,
i never heard of this until i got a book from a garage sale:

A wise old owl lived in an oak.
The more he heard, the less he spoke.
The less he spoke, the more he heard.
Why aren't we all like that wise old bird?

and today i remember that Christ died so i might have life.
and He lives so i might have it in full.

thank you gmail

2009-03-10T21:44:00.008+11:00

just when i have been musing(again) about changing careers,
i am reminded that being a web developer has its perks.
yup, i am mababaw, but these stickers made my day.

p.s. i still wonder why there isn't a tv series starring programmers.

questions to answers

2009-02-09T16:30:00.001+11:00

regardless of my relationship with that who passed away..

news of death brings with it a respectful solemnity
a reminder that i too shall pass:
all too soon than what is hoped for
or all too late when hastening death's arrival.

then there are deaths that make me sad
usually with a tinge of regret ---
of lost chances, of opportunities not grasped
of choices not made.

ivy called to tell me of itiu's death,
an uncle who was like a second father to us.
he who was
bold in reprimanding us
wise in giving us advise knowing it would not be popular with us
fun in laughing at mistakes made
courageous in taking us to new adventures

he who had been known to fall asleep rather quickly and snored loudly -
itiu who was proud of what we have become, cheering us to continue on.
his death brought grief.

in grief i celebrate his life.

sunscreen

2009-02-05T20:33:00.005+11:00

*

nobody really talks to oneself, his shadow always hears.

she was his shadow and she loved him.

his fascination for his shadow was shortlived.
a year or two maybe. while he was growing up and curious about everything.
however, as he grew, the ordinary things ceased to keep his attention.
he was always in pursuit of novelty.

she, however, existed only for him.

she watched him learn build cars from blocks and castles from sand;
cheered for him when he ran his first race;
loitered with him on the alley as he nervously awaited test results;
rolled with him on grass as he experienced his first kiss.

the days were hers and sunshine her kin ---
but she loved him well into the night,
even when she was no longer seen.

loose in the translation

2009-01-28T22:41:00.003+11:00

for almost half a year, i haven't taken a bath:

"looks like you slept in josephine."
"good morning glen. nope, i just took a lazy bath."
"a bath? in the morning?"
"yup. why not?"
"one usually takes bath at night. you don't mean a shower do you?"
"a shower is a bath, isn't it?"
"a bath is when you soak in the tub."
"we don't have a tub at our place."
"you took a lazy shower josephine."
"ok then, i took a lazy shower, glen."

***

rafa is the reason i watch men's tennis:

interviewer: "there's a lot of interest in your new outfits. some of your fans on the websites don't seem to like them too much, your clothes."
rafa: "what happened? the fans didn't like?"
interviewer: "some of them don't."
rafa: "sorry (laughs). i don't know. no, i am feeling ok. for sure, when you have a change, some people like other people don't like. for sure with the sleeveless, not everybody like the sleeveless. right now gonna be the same, no? but anyway, is a change. but i feel good like this. important thing in the end is not the clothes; is the ball and racket and play well."

rooting for you rafa! may you win the open.

keep walking

2009-01-12T22:51:00.013+11:00

i am not the type who obeys rules to the letter. i usually cheat pedestrian traffic lights. until 3 weeks ago when i noticed that kids had seen me cross on a red light.
i owe them my obedience.

this is not very easy to do. i know it is perfectly safe, as traffic lights for cars are not perfectly synchronized with those for pedestrians. and crossing the same street every work day results to familiarity that gives one the confidence to cross safely. but no matter the logic behind it, i am breaking the rules. and that makes it harder for me to teach the younger generation to obey them.

so i start now.

***

currently wondering about the last time i made new year's resolutions. first year college maybe or the second. then stopped when i realized i am not very good with lists.

may you have a great one.

lady bug

2008-12-30T22:16:00.002+11:00

it is snobbishly fine and can be cheerily bouncy
suddenly it listens to no reason and then hangs limp

most days it is confident to face the bright of day
other days it hides shyly in the dark

it has to be tended as it grows sparsely
but without much thought it readies itself in the morning

most of the time it is quite a softie
in the next moment, however, it decides to be a toughie

it has a life of its own and sure gets its way
sometimes it cooperates unwittingly, to my delight

unconsciously i take it for granted,
then i take extra care when buying stuff for it

to my hair that's ever growing, ever changing
you'd taste your first cut in this place tomorrow

the last day of the year

an ode to the spring past

2008-12-01T01:14:00.003+11:00

a maori congregation performed tribal songs praising God last sunday. it was a cold day but they wore their traditional costumes. their chants and antics moved me. i asked myself, "who am i?"

i use australian-made toiletries. i wear a shirt that's made in china. my boots are made in spain. i patronize a swiss-made watch. i drink japanese green tea and live for a monthly ramen meal. i love the italians for pasta and pizza. i hail the americans for french fries and potato chips.

i am pinoy and i am in sydney.

in 3 months, i represented different countries in asia: "have you heard of chang?", a product promoter asked me and without waiting for my answer, he looked at my face and exclaimed "of course you do, you're thai!". a friend of my boss came to the office the other day and asked, "where are you from? indonesia?" [i still wonder why people ask and not wait for answers.] then there's a tourist who requested to have her picture taken, and thanked me in mandarin afterwards. good thing i still remember "you're welcome" in mandarin. then there's this one time during a trip in hongkong when an officemate and i had difficulty getting our order of siomai dim sum across to the waiter only to find out that she was refusing to serve us pork dumplings thinking we were malaysians.

i am pinoy. tsinoy. filo. only globalised as one can possibly be.

i long to share filipino christmas songs to the community, but i can't sing. i speak fookien so poorly even my mother can't understand me. i speak english with an american accent as what the locals here say.

i am made in the philippines. i may not look it, or speak it, or eat it. but my smile is definitely it.

i am proud to be pinoy. i attribute the resiliency, the warmth, the sincerity, the kindness, that no-fuss and enduring attitude to having been made from there. [i am thinking out loud as i have been asking for a long time what sets the philippines apart?]

so what am i doing in a foreign country, you might ask. [i ask that too. so no need to apologize for it.] have i forsaken my motherland by coming here? ah, flight versus fight. i can always say that i earn dollars to fund education of children back home. or this or that. however, i don't think it really matters. what matters is knowing where i came from, continuing in growing and loving accordingly.

only time and choices will reveal who one is. and where God puts me, i'd be there. in the meantime, i don't think there is such a thing as forgetting my phillipines.

learn aussie slang with me

2008-10-12T16:46:00.013+11:00

somebody i barely know subscribe to word for the day. thinking about it, maybe i should do that too. i'll probably just add to the list below as i learn yet another word.

01. chook - chicken
02. dodgy - not realiable, crappy
03. snake beans - sitaw
04. paw paw - papaya
05. chokoes - sayote
06. barbie - inihaw [barbecue], also refers to the ihawan
07. u-ey - U-turn
08. chuck - put (e.g. chuck it in the rubbish bin)
09. bloke - guy
10. hoover - vacuum cleaner (hoover's a brand, just like saying colgate for toothpaste)
11. snag - sausage
12. mozzie - mosquito
13. sunnies - sunglasses
14. thongs - flipflops
15. singlet - tank top, aka sando
16. jumper - jacket (also, a hoodie)
17. peckish - feeling slightly hungry
18. brollie - umbrella
19. pressie - a present
20. brekky - breakfast

rites of passage

2008-08-23T13:55:00.006+10:00

"Permanently migrating to Australia" was the option provided by the disembarkation card for my case. i ticked it, of course. then mulled over what "permanent" means. permanence never occurred to me. not on anything. a long time is not permanent. maybe because i change a lot. maybe because i don't grow roots. permanence is applicable to God, but not to me. all the same, i ticked that option. went through several motions. i am here. away from the rainy philippines to the wintery sydney.

separations, i believe, call for proper mourning. i practice that too. except for this case. when i skipped so many mourning sessions so i could finish all the preparations needed and meet up with as many friends as i could. then there's mama not approving of me crying especially when traveling.

i am thankful for the ride to the airport i shared with ivy. it is only with her that i went through my motions of separation. we cried, acknowledging we'd miss each other. but it's okay. and it's okay to cry. we'd see each other soon. we bid each other take care. fared each other well. i also remember distinctly ta, ma and les. separation, albeit temporarily, paved way for a loving and warm farewell.

as i look out the window, i see brick houses. apartments are now called flats. elevators, lifts. it is currently 2:40pm and everbody is most probably eating lunch in manila. i am in an altogether new place. but my thoughts often drift back to the philippines. i will live here and will likely change a lot. [i hope my accent does not, though.] living calls for growth, not permanence.

food trip

2008-08-07T01:39:00.003+10:00

being the picky eater i've become, i thought of listing down my comfort food that i will surely miss(aside from home-cooked meals, malakanin na buko, manggang hilaw, and binatog):

01. el pollo loco - white chicken meat, tortilla and salsa.
02. meylin hand-pulled noodles - kimchi noodles, hot and sour noodles and oyster misua.
03. nypd pizza - lasagna verde (i don't think they still have this on the menu though).
04. JT's manukan - petcho chicken inasal.
05. amici di don bosco - Spaghetti Red Vongole e Gamberattii and Cannelloni Agli Spinaci.
06. mr. kabab - chicken kabab sandwich, roasted tomatoes and yogurt drink.
07. tasty dumplings - kiamchay noodles.
08. aling tonya's, seaside - grilled shrimp and crabs in special sauce.
09. golden fortune, soler - shabu shabu at 20% off.
10. wai ying - shrimp chongfan.
11. shoppersville bakeshop - pancit palabok.
12. enriquez smoothies, shopping center - avocado smoothie and papaya-pinapple smoothie.
13. wendy's - biggie iced tea.
14. jollibee - chickenjoy.
15. polland hopia - fresh lumpia.
16. FIC - vanilla ice cream.
17. chocolat - death by tablea chocolate cake.
18. coffee bean and tea leaf - strawberry and cream tea and genmaicha.
19. chocolate kiss - devil's food cake.
20. via mare - bibingka.
21. coop, up campus - kare-kare.
22. ersao - bubble green tea.
23. cafe monaco - bibimbop and beef pocket.
24. chowking - mantao.
25. gatas ng kalabaw - pure milk.
26. dencia's, davao - lugaw and tokwa't baboy.
27. dusk til dawn, davao - petcho chicken barbecue.
28. cecil's, davao - palabok and batchoy.
29. nanay porie's, kidapawan - petcho chicken barbecue.
30. jaltan, davao - malagkit na kakanin.
31. razon's - halo-halo.

simplify

2008-07-21T15:42:00.002+10:00

i have learned that simplification entails so much complications. however, i want to believe it is all worth it. these past days of thinking through what to bring to sydney, with less than a month left, i have been racking my brain (and my heart) on what's important and what's not.

alas, importance is a very difficult word. "what is important to me?" is even more difficult to answer. so i strip myself naked knowing that my life too shall pass and i will eventually separate from everything, everyone. then it dawned on me: LOVE.

John 15:13, says "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." and 1 Corinthians 13 says how this is done. just when i am close to convincing myself i am a loving person, i am proven wrong. but i am no time-traveller, so i can only move forward in time. i am embarking (yet again) on a quest for love.

1. loving means standing by promises made, words uttered. in a generation where self-gratification is of utmost importance, honor is much wanted and most refreshing.
2. generosity is love made visible.
a. ivy came up with this: "if you have anything you haven't used in the last 6 months, give it a new home." it is unfair for the item you have been keeping not to fulfill it's full potential. and you'd definitely make another person smile.
b. "as your income increases, maintain your lifestyle. this will give you more opportunity to give.", kuya ken counseled.
c. i try to seek ways to cut down costs - turn off appliances not in use [helps save the environment for the future generation]; refrain from forwarding unnecessary text messages [saves intended recipients' time] - and use the money instead to sponsor a child's education.
3. loving is having foresight.
a. plant a tree instead of cutting it down. what is the use of saving so much money for your children when they will run out of fresh air to breathe? i personally realized that i should cut down on book buying (paper = trees), i will instead go to the library or trade books.
b. the same goes for clothes (and shoes and bags!). imagine the resources, fuel, raw materials being used to make fabrics. buy from recycle shops and sell or give out those i no longer have plans of using [less fire hazard at home].

i have realized i am bombarded with advertisements so i will be compelled to think i need more than i actually do: if it is now neccessary to stay connected (i.e. mobile phones), i don't think it is necessary to own a 30k unit with all the features not really usable as i have other gadgets (ipod for music, laptop for web, dslr for taking photographs, etc etc.) for the same functions. cut down on redundancy. i pray i won't fall victim of commercialism-consumerism-materialism.

so what is left to bring? a change of clothes [and several thick ones to ward off the cold], t-fal cook set and chopsticks, shoes [stripped down to 8 pairs -- still a lot!], bible and some books, toys [this was a very difficult exercise as all toys seem to be my favorite, one time or another], toiletries and meds and other comsumables, accessories [earrings, hats, bangles] and my accessory-making kit, a towel and a kumot, gadgets and KamoteQ. i think that's about it. i sure hope these stuff would weigh only 40 kilos.

oh, may i remember to love, at all times.

Australian General Skilled Migration

2008-07-02T17:56:00.004+10:00

google was what we did, really :)
[then, of course there's jlao.]

[sometime 2006]
1. Information on the Australian Skilled Migration can be found here.

[june 2006, ≈Php16k per person]
2. As IT professionals, skills are being certified by the Australian Computer Society.
Certification results take at least a month and have one year validity [meaning, you have to lodge your application before this certification expires.]

3. You can also check if your skill is in the Australian Migration Occupations in Demand List (MODL).
[this is plus plus pogi points. 20 points i think.]

[february 2007, ≈Php9k per person]
4. IELTS. Just to be sure.
[make sure you review. borrow a reviewer. it would give you an idea how the exam would be like.]

[march 2007, ≈Php80k per application]
5. Lodging the application.
Ours was still paper-based. And documents needed to be notarized and application forms filled out by hand and sent to :

Adelaide Skilled Processing Centre (ASPC)
55 Currie Street
Adelaide SA 5000

However, online application is now available. [more earth-friendly too :)]

[may 2008]
6. When the wait's over.
A case officer would be contacting you and would be asking for a medical certification as well as a police clearance.

[≈Php8k per person]
Contact any one from the panel of doctors:
We went to:

Nationwide Health Systems, Inc
Makati Industrial Clinic
Medical Plaza Makati
Unit 905, 9th Floor
Amorsolo Street (corner Dela Rosa Street )
Makati City
Telephone/Fax: +63 (2) 810 0785
Doctor(s):
Dr Bernadette Carpio-Benitez
Dr Glenn B Benitez

[≈Php500 per person]
Police clearance is being issued by NBI. Indicate "For travel to Australia".

[june 2008, ≈Php320 for courier charges and ≈Php350 for cellphone charges]
7. Evidencing: Visa in your passport.

[july 2008, ≈Php25k per person]
8. Contact the International Organization For Migration for your migration ticketing needs.
We booked a Qantas flight and were given 40 kilos baggage allowance each as first time migrants.

Nitz Delarmente
IOM International Organization for Migration
24th Flr., Citibank Tower
8741 Paseo de Roxas, Makati City
Tel. No. 848-0083
Fax No. 848-1272

salty rainwater

2008-06-23T19:15:00.004+10:00

*

she stared at the blades of grass moving helpessly with the wind outside the window that was beside her. she stared so closely, her view was interrupted ever so faithfully by blurry round objects that were the beads of the pulls of the window blinds.

it was a windy sunny day after a storm. and she had prayed that the boy she only sees in her dreams would love her back. but she was awake. and she was not loved back. she continued to stare blankly not knowing she would be meeting him at school the day after.

he was a slender boy. with an old man's eyes. he walked in her class gracefully determined. he seated himself in a chair where she would need to turn her head left very obviously.

they shared the same class every wednesday during that semester. she saw him and loved him more. she wasn't dreaming. loving him in her class was more liberating than loving him in her dreams. her eyes grew brighter each day, despite her years.

"i love you all my life." she said to the boy one stormy night. they were stuck in school because a storm hit their town without prior notice. he was looking at her. his eyes grew dimmer, light fading. he pitied her, that's all. he opened his mouth way too late. her time ran out. unrequited love. she became a pillar of salt. the rain washed what remained of her away.

bash-ing

2008-06-02T12:02:00.010+10:00

it is already midyear-ish and almost my birthday too.

yesterday, at church, lem and i made an announcement that we would be leaving for sydney this coming august. ah, that sealed the plans, "officially". for me at least. yes i know that sydney is waiting (we were the ones who applied to get there in the first place), but having been granted a visa 3 weeks ago, made me more hesitant and nostalgic than excited. now, that announcement was the first step. i better start prepare.

yesterday was also the first time i stood in front of the congregation to share what i have been learning lately. dcbc (diliman campus bible church) holds an agape meal every first sunday of every month. and birthday celebrants are encouraged to share things they want to thank God for.

i am more than thankful. my cup is overflowing.

here's the notes i scribbled:

* thankful of God's love:
- never easy, but also never letting go; knows when to withhold and when to give; and He only has good, my good, in His mind
- He spurs me to do likewise, but not without tangible glimpses:
> thankful for lem, whose love is consistent
> thankful for the family, whose love is giving
> thankful for the dcbc community, whose love encourages me to grow more in the knowledge of the God i profess to believe in

* thankful for God's grace
- i have been more unloving than loving yet
- i am often spared from the consequences of the unloving parts
- i have learned too that whether i labor or rest, God is sovereign

* thankful that as i look back the past 29 years, (i'd be 29 in 2 days time), God worked, so that i may delight in Him and Him alone. He uses anything and everything (everything in this earthly life i have is only incidental) to becoming wholly His.

in college, i have i read this from the book of Jeremiah and i continue to hold on to this promise.
38 They will be my people, and I will be their God. 39 I will give them singleness of heart and action, so that they will always fear me for their own good and the good of their children after them. 40 I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good to them, and I will inspire them to fear me, so that they will never turn away from me. 41 I will rejoice in doing them good and will assuredly plant them in this land with all my heart and soul.

Kamote Q

2008-05-06T12:12:00.009+10:00

i started taking violin lessons april 10 last month. with 5 sessions behind me, looks like my teacher john agapay will stick at least another 5 sessions more. he was worried i'd give up (on the first session he already told me only those kids forced by parents to learn stick with learning violin); i was betting he'd give up on me (i always felt i can't sing and music has always been an awkward and unnatural thing for me to do).

learning to play the violin is hard. (fine, teacher john definitely knows his stuff). in fact, after the first session, i actually thought things over - why i brought upon myself such punishment of bearing some instrument stuck under my chin and holding it up with my left hand - nakakangawit! as if i don't have enough troubles being a software developer. oppps, yes, math and logic don't seem to mix with arts and spontainiety.

now comes the whys. (i needed to write these down lest i forget and give up).
1. it actually soothes the all stressed-up me after work. hmmm, it is actually fun!
2. the compelling desire (i don't know where it first came from) to learn it. i remembered, i was in japan, working on some project when it hit me: i wanted to learn to play the violin. why the violin? maybe because i can carry it anywhere. and i don't have a love for guitar. so like all loves, this one needed no reason.
3. it would be nice to have my children learn to sing or play an instrument.
4. i enjoy hymns and classical music. i hope to be able to play those to family and friends.

what have i learned so far.
1. bearing the instrument.
2. holding the bow properly. right thumb musn't come down flat.
3. left thumb should keep it's place so it will make things easier for the other fingers to move around.
4. 3 basic rules of bowing
- bow should be slightly slanted
- bow parallel to the bridge
- bow in one track only
5. i got a paganini rosin and learned how to use it
6. cleaning the bow of rosin residue afteruse.
7. cleaning the violin
8. hah! i know the parts and an elementary knowledge of what they're there for: thumb pad, nut, frog's eye, bridge, what have yous.
9. i now know some musical symbols - g-clef, leger lines, notes, staff; i also know how to calculcate the number of notes per meter that are enclosed in bars (hah! this is actually math and logic!) and knowing my musical alphabets, A-G. others may argue that it is more proper to learn the syllables (do-re-mi). but hey, i know my A-G by heart. like, what comes after E? it is F. but i wouldn't instinctively know what comes after sol. :p
10. the first position.

there's is a galaxy of difference between knowing and knowing things by heart. teaher john asked me to play some last night and commented, my music comes out naked. bare-bones. he added, however, that it is a start and i am actually making progress. on the other hand, i feel that i am learning too slow but sucker that i am, i cling on to those words of hope with all my might.

reality checks.
1. it will take me at least a year to be able to play. so practice pratice practice.
2. i am quite envious when i see teacher john plays with speed and precision. he told me to focus on precision, speed will come later.
3. maybe another 5 years to really really play.
4. graduate school won't accept me, but hey, maybe i can get a degree of some sort. a certificate? haha!
5. i need to learn to tune my violin. twin is passionate about that and i can feel her urgency. but first things first, i need to listen intently to the sound it makes. slight changes i should notice. should should should. to someone who blabbers a lot, this is a mighty challenge.

with all those thoughts out of my system, i need to get back to my programming tasks. so i can afford to play my violin.

gatas ng kalabaw

2008-04-24T12:28:00.004+10:00

all this talk about being healthy and going organic and raving about "truly pilipinas, worldclass!" and saving the earth makes me dizzy with excitement.

last night, i tried kalabaw's milk for the first time. i found it all of the above and more. it's surprisingly yummy. :)

sort of short

2008-04-16T13:32:00.004+10:00

*

"i never have ..."

she woke up one morning happy to smell the grass dampened by a light rain. she had a dream. she was actually awaken by the dream. but like most dreams she had, she couldn't remember the one she just had. she felt this weird sad feeling that lingers. she got out of bed and chose to focus on the sweet smell of rain telling herself today's going to be a lovely day.

or so she said, and she was quite good at convincing herself.

the day after he was gone, more truthfully, after she said goodbye to him, she sat in front of her workstation and picked on giving the dream a memorial. she believed that one had to remember so one could forget. but she knew too that one doesn't really forget.

they were an unusual pair. like one was white chocolate and the other white gold. both ironies. theirs was a roller coaster ride. a happy one. a painful one. of course, like all other stories, she could only think of what went on in her mind and heart. she would not know of his. a glimpse, yes. a hunch, most probably, but she would never know.

in the dream, she saw him with another. she would dream with assumptions as she would dream of faceless people. but she knew it was him. and she knew it was not her beside him. but she knew all that a long time ago. long before she chose to take his hand in hers (or was it allowing him to take hers in his? ah remembering could get so confusing.) to walk the highway.

in the dream, she had wanted to call out his name. but telling herself she shouldn't, she didn't. however, he sensed her presence and turned to where she was. their eyes locked. understanding completely without really understanding. he excused himself from his companion and walked toward her. he said "i never have...".

she never heard the sentence completed because her alarm went off. but she never really needed to hear the sentence completed because she knew what that lingering sorrow meant - he said, "i never have loved you."

that day wasn't the day she said goodbye. the days after seemed to pass by so quickly. they talked, as usual. she even told him of the dream she forgotten.

but like all rides, theirs had to end. and as she was about to take her empty cup of tea to the sink, she asked herself, what if what she believed he said wasn't what he really said?

"i never have loved anyone like i have loved you."
she wouldn't really know.

played pickupsticks with jas

2008-03-28T14:54:00.004+11:00

"ice cream!", everybody suddenly cried out.
hot summer is here and birthday feasts in the philippines almost always end with a gallon (or 2 half gallons of different flavors) of ice cream.

it was gracey's birthday and we gathered around to check what flavor we would be having but knowing full well we'd definitely had to have a taste of both.

there was no ice cream scooper. i took it upon myself to serve the ice cream using a soup laddle. "this is servanthood." i announced after kuya jaime initiated (or was it a email) a discussion on the subject. "we tried washing each other's feet once..", i remembered jean sharing. "but it definitely was an awkward time!", charm recalled.

so, i started scooping. since i frequent ice cream parlors/booths/stations, i have observed how ice cream is made to be served roundish. using a soup laddle is not an excuse not to make the ice cream fat and round before letting it sit on a cone.

there had been no problem until ate nestine wanted hers to be a mixture of two flavors and of little quantity each. she took my scooper, and made herself a serving of ice cream of her preference. then i objected, saying, "but ate, that is not round enough! it won't sit well on the cone.. let me.."

"joy has servanthood issues!" faith shouted. and we all broke into laughing fits. "how controlling! she won't allow anyone near the ice cream containers.." "and she's holding on to the box of cones so no one else can scoop ice cream on their own!"

thus "ice cream test" was born. where the scooper's desire to serve is tested -- to serve in her own terms or to serve to other people's delight.

that night,
1. i was reminded to live the moment and that i still can (thank you gracey for pointing this out to me)
2. it was affirmed that death is inevitable so say your eulogies to each other now (we brought flowers too!)
3. aliks was wishing us to choose to dance no matter what (yes, he sang for gracey..)
4. i learned that there is actually a bird of paradise flower and ram (and charm) are ever to be lauded for their ingenuity
5. i spoke of dying and choosing to live (this is not philosophical at all, believe me)
6. gracey showed us courage (in living, being transparent, reaching out, silent thoughfulness, prayerful lovingkindness) and living out her name, Grace.
7. we were told by kuya jaime not to mention arnel salgado's name again in his house, hahahaha!

and we met again, the following week (just this wednesday), to celebrate ram's birthday. there was ice cream of course.

to jeanix, aliks, gracey, ttarts and ram: God has been faithful and i believe He will continue to be. Cheers for another year and the many years to come!

i can finally afford a UP fair

2008-02-16T03:14:00.017+11:00

after a hundred years... hahaha, i don't think i want to live a hundred years.

i guess tonight's the final night of the centennial UP fair.

dropped by. out of nostalgia. out of curiosity.
an excuse to walk about diliman campus is welcome anytime. arrived around 10. unibersidad ng pila still holds true.
yes, there was actually a long queue to buy tickets at 70 pesos each.
and another much much longer queue to get in.
now i wonder how these students can afford the fee, when i couldn't, back in college.
the only time i was able to was when compsoc had a booth inside...

UP is still UP --- we are called to "SERVE THE PEOPLE"
no booze booths. unbelievable.
henna tattoo booths abound.
then there's graphic tees.
assortment of inihaw.
almost wholesome drinks --- think c2 (still too sweet for my taste)
perya.
tsubibo.
smokers. non-smokers. and more smokers.
lights. music. cold night wind.
then suddenly,time to go home.

bought a tee that says "LITTLE MISS FIGHTING MAROONS"
cute huh? sounds like little miss fighting moron too.
got myself a new fave tee.

"IS THERE ANY GREATER JOURNEY THAN LOVE?"

2008-02-11T13:34:00.005+11:00

saw this ad last week on an old issue (november last year, i think) of newsweek magazine.
been mulling over it since. found out the more i think i know about love, the less i actually know about it.
live love, no answers needed.

cleaning up

2008-01-09T02:12:00.002+11:00

lem and i left japan toward the end of last year and did a lot of cleaning up - project-related documents were shredded (hah! i did the shredding on a high tech shredding machine) desktops cleaned (those who've worked with me know how cluttered my machine desktop can get), hey i cleaned out the actual desktop(where the machine sits) as well. then there's packing up the past 8 months - grateful for what had been, excited for the homecoming.

being home is delight.
think comfort. of family. of friends. of understanding what you hear. of getting the gist of the song being played on a public transport (suddenly, it dawned on me that public transports in japan don't have any music being forced on the commuters). of not really thinking. home sweet home. (where almost all beverage is served sweet :p ) i guess it is now apt to say, home salty home.

got the hang of cleaning up, decided to clean up our room too. meaning, throw away stuff not needed (or give them away). get rid of paper stacks (aka fire hazards). fine, there are still a lot of stacks untouched...

then i came across a loose leaf torn from a spring notebook.
second year college. student camp. group presentation.
jeanette scribbled the words of a song with a blue-inked pen to be used as a copy as 4 of us friends from high school (aliks and sammy) sang to the other participants. (i tried very hard to sing, so i guess that qualifies as singing)

and the words still ring true, my wish for you too.

JESUS IN YOUR HEART

If I could have one wish I know what I'd like to find
If I could have one dream come true before my eyes
More than a pot of gold
More than a pathway to the stars
More than anything I know
I want Jesus in your heart

If I could paint a picture in my mind of what I'd like to see
If I could take you once inside my deepest dreams
More than a treasure's glow
More than a comet trav'ling far
More than anything I know
I want Jesus in your heart

He's more than all the world can give
When He truly comes to live
In your heart
Why do you try to search for more
When He's what you are looking for
In your heart

I pray you'll find Jesus
I want Jesus in your heart

a happy new year everyone!

shiroi koibito [white lover]

2007-12-19T13:37:00.003+11:00

*

"Osakini shitsureishimasu." He left before he had the chance to hear her say "Otsukaresamadesu."

The sweet iced tea helped her swallow down the bitter taste of uncertainty. Would she see him again tomorrow?

She saw him every workday at the office. She sat beside him. And not once did he glance her way. Oh how she would love to get to know him. Would his voice change in animated excitement as he would talk about things he loved doing? Would he like to spend time with her too, and get to know what book she reads and what drawings she paints?

2 years of working in the same office. 5 days a week, sometimes six. Had he known his scent would haunt her every single night, would he at least try to ask her name?

The gasping for breath struggled with the raging beating of her heart. "Tomorrow, I'll let him know tomorrow." But tomorrow never seemed to come.

It was the time when the snow started to melt. The cold february morning wind forced her to wound her arms tight to her body. She passed by a chocolate store and decided today would be the day. She grabbed a bag of brightly colored chocolate bits. Maybe, just maybe, the chocolate would make him realize what loving him this far no matter how physically close they actually were meant - bittersweet.

She arrived before him, always 5 minutes ahead. She placed the bag on his table and prepped herself to work. He walked in, strode to their corner of the room and after placing his bag on the floor, he noticed the bag of chocolates. He looked around, and opened the card. He then turned to her, asked if it was from her then shortly said thank you.

That night he asked her if it is okay to walk her home.
Of course he knew her name.

*** saw this on my desktop while cleaning out my stuff. inspired by the chocolate-giving culture of japanese women.

loving the drama

2007-11-19T15:30:00.001+11:00

autumn is when leaves change colors -
some yellow, some orange, some to red, then to brown
then they fall, leaving the tree and it's branches bare.

i was walking under these trees yesterday when a thought hit me -
these leaves make dying look so grand, so dramatic.
well, they don't really die, as in die die.
but what the heck, if dying is separation, they sure know how to make a grand show of it all.

and we die everyday too.
sometimes, just petty deaths, other times, big ones.
some call it growth.
i'd like too see it as an autumn leaf, changing it's color, saying a howling goodbye.
with no trace of regret.

winter may seem long, but spring comes in time.
chancing upon the togetherness over again.

p.s. i am scouting for a shirt that screams i love kyoto, because i do.

and i allowed my heart to be tugged

2007-11-16T12:49:00.001+11:00

rose: sent you an email!

Hi Joy,

Read this: http://www.caterina.net/archive/001082.htmland it will tug your heart.
But the there's a second comment below that will get you through :)

Happy weekend!
Rose

joy: LOVE what you sent.
joy: thank you.
joy: for knowing me and loving me through and through.
rose: hihihihi!
rose: i love you joy!!

for ivy

2007-08-27T20:29:00.001+10:00

her father sold his motorcycle when she was born. this was to get her room airconditioned. her older sister's nanny was now hers: as she was more tiny and needed more pampering. and she looked like her mother, fair and beautiful.

once upon a time, there was a girl who dreamt of domestic bliss. she dreamed this during a time when children were expected to dream of wearing corporate suits and climbing corporate ladders. dreaming to be a doctor or a lawyer would not have been bad too. yet she dreamed of house cleaning and doing the laundry.

being the youngest of a brood of 3, she was often teased for being a crybaby. yet she was loved, like nobody in the family was loved before. it seemed she always got her way, but it was more because somebody else always gave way. she did not ask for it; she was just lovable. even kids smaller than her adored her.

the girl loved to draw. she could draw anime characters, but mostly without eyes. she'd say she would ruin the drawing if she drew the eyes too.

and she loved dogs. and would have liked to own several. and thought not just once of becoming a dog breeder.

and boy, she loved dressing up. she always took care of how she looked. and she could not have enough clothes or shoes, or bags or accessories. it did not matter that these things would fill up her room, nothing would really be appropriate for any given occasion.

as much as possible, the girl was always protected from life's harsh realities. but her battles would not always be fought for her. that's just the way it was. if it had been otherwise, things would have been less fun for her.

so she learned to love, hate and love deeper. she learned loyalty and friendship. she learned hard work and shame. she learned how to hold on and how to let go. she learned to have fun and live life. she learned to sing. and she learned how to cook.

the girl grew up to be a very beautiful person. and is still growing up, continually learning new things.

looking at her 24 years past, God has been faithful. i have always been subtly protective of her (fine, it might have been very obvious at times) and i wait in silent excitement as i watch how her life continues to unfold, all by God's grace.

this is for the girl who will always be my little sister. and i write for her because she forgets easily, unintentionally, readily. a happy birthday to a sorely missed and dear friend, my shobe.

kulit ni jessie hahaha!

2007-08-24T15:09:00.000+10:00

a prayer

2007-08-22T10:55:00.001+10:00

dear God of all, Lover of my soul ---

still my heart: in the midst of life's motions.
quiet my mind: when discontentment stirs.

make my fingers gentle: so each touch be a glimpse of Your love.
grow my arms: to embrace the hurting. (as You embrace me when it is i)

help me love the way You do: giving, unconditional, without end.

festivity

2007-08-20T10:27:00.002+10:00

*

Then the Bishop pronounced them man and wife. Hana was watching Honoo kiss his bride. She wished it had been her. But certain things just couldn't be.

Honoo was of the Fire family. And she, a Flower.

Both races were so strict about intermarriages. And it was because of a very practical reason: a union would put one to death: a Fire burning a loved Flower or a radiant Flower's dews put out a beloved Fire.

So when Hana saw Honoo the first time, when his family visited the forrest she grew up in, she knew she could only love him with a silent love.

Spring was when her petals turn bright purple. And each year, Honoo would visit the forrest when summer came. She would watch Honoo play with his friends in her blue dress. She was content with loving him from afar.

Then one year, when autumn was nearing and orange coiffed her gloriously, she saw Honoo hold a young pretty Fire's hand. She knew then she had to at least let Honoo know she loved him.

She went to her father and asked if she could let Honoo know. She was, of course, refused. And refused every single time after because her father loved her so. And her father couldn't bear his Hana dying.

Every year after, Honoo's visit broke Hana's heart: Honoo's love grew for his beloved Fire and he never knew of Hana's love. Hana would cry each night and would dream of a way to make her love known to Honoo. Her father heard her cries.

Hana, laced in golden hue, went to witness Honoo's wedding. And she celebrated with him. After, when the ceremonies ended, she declared her love for Honoo. Just that single time.

Every summer, when the sun's heat is the most scorching and the night skies the clearest, the Japanese people remember Hana's declaration of love to Honoo on his wedding day.

For it was that time when Hana's own father granted her wish, that her love be known to Honoo, fleeting the moment might be:

Hana's father kissed her one last time. He then ushered in a friend Fire who whispered a prayer in Hana's ear. Hana floated in the clear night sky and burst into a thousand million golden ashes a little after a flower of different colors was born out of fire --- the hanabi.

writers, they just write

2007-08-17T19:51:00.001+10:00

read this in a forwarded email:

when in doubt, just take the next small step.

on anticipation

2007-07-19T16:24:00.002+10:00

so mt. fuji is next week. and i am not in the proper physical shape.

tso retorted, "well it depends if you're going uphill or downhill... "

aliks simply said, "curiosity and determination should keep you alive"

oh, they do know me well. all too well.

and dan gave me these links, as encouragement:

A Testament to Pain
Oops, I did it again

can't wait.

of lines and trees

2007-05-12T15:16:00.003+10:00

japan has long been calling to me.

no matter all the excitement i have mustered all these years,
i realized i could never be prepared for this place when i arrived here april 23.

the flight took us 4 hours.
now i am in a country who sees the new day an hour earlier than what i have been accustomed to.

when we were about to land, i peeked at the window.
i saw the landscape and gasped: even the trees would cringe if they are not in their place!

fine, we deplaned. english signs are a rarity here. so we just followed a stream of people, mostly Japanese, and hoped that they were on the same plane we were on and were heading for the same destination.

we still needed to line up for a train that would bring us to the immigration officers and finally our baggage. the people started to line up. 2 queues per door that would lead us to the train when it arrives. one person behind the other. very neatly. we stood behind 2 queues and the three of us made the 2 queues vague. and up in front, there was a crowd (almost circling the door), standing randomly, awaiting the arrival of the train. and you guessed right, we were kababayans!

out we dragged our baggage and suddenly it dawned on me, this is the airport and if understandable signs elude me, communication would be difficult if not impossible.

i volunteered to get us bus tickets. i asked, ""is this the bus that would take us to seiseki?". i got a blank stare, then the staff answered, "where?". i said "seiseki" again and since she seemed not to understand what i was saying, i thanked her and moved to the next booth. she called out that i was in the right booth. then lem asked her "seiseki sakuragaoka?" she apologized and pointed us to the booth where i was heading. yes, i know i should have followed what's in the guidelines for first-time travellers, but hey, how would i know that seiseki is a different place from seiseki sakuragaoka and not just a nickname?

we were running to our bus and everybody was running too: the driver, the 2 other staff that help passengers get in. we arrived on time for the bus to leave. but being there on time did not mean the bus could leave on time, because we still needed to attend to the baggage and ourselves. sigh, all the scamper i witnessed was just a prelude to this affair with a highly time-conscious culture. and true enough, the pressure for the bus to leave on time was due to the other stops it had to make and pick up passengers who were already waiting for the arrival of the bus, which they expected to be on time.

with apprehension rising, i settled in my seat to sleep and made peace with myself: randomness and perpetual lateness should be set aside, if only for six months, to embrace the japan of my dreams.

UP and everything with it

2007-04-12T11:02:00.001+10:00

so, this is how it is. working in UP.

less pollution.
student-rate cafeteria.
no-stress commute.
summer breeze.
rain surprises.
peace and quiet.
rustling leaves.
shopping center.
coop kare-kare.
winner bookstore.

(this is near coop. formerly a photocopying place. i bought gabriel's the general in his labyrinth and waller's bridges of madison county for 520! hardbound. brand new. great titles too. no need to stretch those neck muscles and flex those thighs when looking for good titles in booksale shops. give me more time and powerbooks will soon be forgotten.)

yummy fruit smoothies.
isaw and friends who drop by because of it.

(friends who wouldn't admit to missing me. fine, maybe its really the isaw, but hey i am definitely a bonus!)

mangga't bagoong.
a walk in the park.

yes, work is work is work is work.
however, UP can give google workplaces a good run for their money.

twitter

2007-04-10T16:14:00.001+10:00

rosemarie got me writing again.
she knows me quite well: one lazy lazy girl who does not keep her blog updated.

so, she offered a solution: twitter.

it only asks one question: "what am i doing?".
and i get to answer that via IM.
and i have its badge posted here.

in passing

2007-02-26T19:15:00.001+11:00

5 months passed and no words seem to come out.
not that there had been a shortage.
it is just that writing forces one to remember.
an errand jotted down is more likely remembered than an errand committed to memory.

memories blur in time.
stories spun from memories are most likely be questioned.
not just by oneself, but by one's audience too.
questions brought about by the confusion of
what actually happened and what would one have wanted to happen.

pain and happiness mixed,
overwhelming emotions, exultations.
a friend said "this too shall pass"
if one is counting on the passing, why bother with the remembering?

memories make one alive.
but the living already happened when the story was being created by reality.
memories are sweet.
as one ages, one becomes more gracious.
that is the ideal, but it generally happens.

so i write again
and count on the memories come the years
to be sweet and blurry and make me all alive and well.

merienda (tea time)

2006-09-26T18:29:00.001+10:00

tonE (9/26/2006 12:52:55 PM): why is the blue sky?
moi (9/26/2006 12:53:34 PM): because the sky flakes.

(blueskies and skyflakes are competing brands of crackers available in the philippines.)

remembering the rain

2006-09-19T15:06:00.001+10:00

i gather that the saddest part of growing old is forgetting.

case in point: dancing in the rain. i wonder why it is only the kids do that dance.

when it rains, children run around and play in the rain. grown-ups run like mad for cover.
both run:
it's just that one group run towards it and the other away from it.

maybe it is because grown-ups know that getting yourself wet in the rain will bring illnesses of all sorts. floodwaters are plagued with diseases. or maybe because they know that the rainwater (yes, even those drops that haven't yet reached the ground -- just think smog, smog and more smog) is not a health drink.

i danced in the rain too. when i was around 8 till i was 12. i waited for the first rain of the year. which would, almost always, last a week. we lived in an apartment that had roof gutters. the heavy rainwater that accumulated on the roof would fall through these gutters like waterfalls. i loved going under them and i can still remember the feeling of concern and sheer bliss that my head would split open due to the force of the falling water. for 4 years, i danced and played and got soaked in the rain. each single time, for a week. and every single year, i always ended up with a bad case of influenza. but i would always await the coming of the first rain of the year to come. i was in kidapawan then.

high school was davao city. i don't know if it was high school or it was the city. but i stopped my annual rain dance. maybe i was preoccupied with wanting freedom but not getting it(which in retrospect, was a good thing --- i was so young i didn't know what freedom meant) maybe there were things i deemed more important and activities consumed my time. i hadn't been thinking much about dancing, but the rain would ever call out to me.

college called me into the biggest metropolis in the country: metro manila. it is here that i learned to shun the rain water. it is dirty. (i still think it is). the floodwaters are much worse, considering that the streets on which they flow (or stagnate) are not very hygienic.

however, my kinship with the rain grew only stronger. i remembered it rained when i boarded the airplane on my own for the first time. i always have this feeling that it rains whenever i would be in a moment that should be engraved in my memory.

still, i haven't danced in the longest time. and yes, it is sad when it rains: when i remember that i'd known once but have forgotten how.

surreal

2006-08-02T16:01:00.001+10:00

if you're headed for fantansyville,
pay your bills.
nothing snaps you back to reality as fast.

proud to be pinoy

2006-07-28T23:44:00.001+10:00

2 months back, during one of the usual sunday family meals, we talked about cars running on lpg. and we thought that it was not a very good idea, and decided that it was too dangerous to implement.. i could only imagine the cars exploding on collision (accidents are very usual in the metro)..

2 weeks ago, aboard a cab going to caloocan, lem and i passed by a long queue of taxi. our cab driver explained that they were queueing at the lpg refilling station. and immediately added, "buti na lang, meron kaming sariling karagahan.." the driver left me no time to react. the thought of the number of taxis queueing at an lpg refilling station already shocked me. but i was more alarmed to know the mge (the brand of the taxi we were in) has their own lpg refilling station. and yes, the cab we were in, has already been coverted to run on lpg. the cab driver might have sensed my alarm, he quipped, "may dalawang taxi na kaming tumaob, di naman sumabog.." hahaha, i didn't know whether to be relieved by the fact that lpg-fueled cars are safe or be more alarmed, now knowing that mge cabs are very capable of road accidents... hehehe

for 28 thousand pesos, a car may be modified to run on lpg. the owner will be saving, at least, 20 pesos per liter. our cab driver said "mas malakas ang hatak ng lpg kesa sa gasolina..". and he assured us that it is safe. the only price one has to pay is the trunk space, where the lpg tank will be placed.

i find solace in the number of cabs now running on lpg. and i feel proud of the filipino ingenuity -- we just know how to rise above difficult circumstances. i just hope that cars won't just explode when accidentaly hit another car in the near future.

incredulity

2006-07-22T00:04:00.001+10:00

3 days ago, i was in for a ride.

started my day excited about a career change. after a 15-minute meeting, it had been decided (almost, it is only now that it is finally clear to me) that it wasn't for me. (i think it was i who decided it was not worth it) -- thank God for the luxury of choosing jobs.

went back to a previous workplace. good to see old friends. no qualms when i came face to face with tasks i once was doing. and i thought i would not be able to go back there without feeling uneasy. too many bad memories... were there really many? now i think the good ones outnumber the bad ones. i had a nice time.

my work day did not end so well. found out that for some people, money is more important than people. i cried. and somehow, i decided, next time, i would work just for money. hmm, am i ready to do that? i don't know.

came home, tired. defeated.

then, i heard that a friend has some serious health problems. then in the midst of the monsoon rains, fire trucks sirens disturbed the silence of the night. some people are fighting harder battles than i am.

i am one selfish brat.

late bloomer

2006-07-11T21:44:00.001+10:00

who said old dogs never learn new tricks?

starcraft has been out in the market for the longest time (some 7 years back?). but it is only now that i started playing. really playing. yes, i had played it some 4 years back, but jayjay had been there babying me all throughout...

today, i'm no baby anymore. i play protoss. i read strategies. i learn. i understand. (i try very hard to, and fast!)

i'm neither a dog nor old so i guess its expected of me to keep on learning. :)

before sunrise

2006-06-26T09:34:00.002+10:00

watched it yesterday.
love the poem.
thank you rosemarie for sharing this movie with me.

Daydream delusion
Limousine Eyelash
Oh, baby with your pretty face

Drop a tear in my wineglass
Look at those big eyes
See what you mean to me

Sweet cakes and milkshakes
I am a delusioned angel
I am a fantasy parade

I want you to know what I think
Don't want you to guess anymore

You have no idea where I came from
We have no idea where we're going
Launched in life
Like branches in the river
Flowing downstream
Caught in the current

I'll carry you
You'll carry me
That's how it could be

Don't you know me
Don't you know me by now

Delusion Angel by David Jewell

today, i learned...

2006-05-09T12:58:00.002+10:00

that bird on the UP seal is a PARROT.

thanks for the info jayjay!

tender juicy moments

2006-05-06T19:31:00.001+10:00

it is a good thing to have someone share your passion for something.

ivy, lem and i woke up a bit early today (yes on a saturday) because we went out to meet a mini-daschund breeder. i long wanted to have a dog i can call my own and ivy long wanted to have another dog in the house so yoko ono (a japanese chin, our dog for almost 3 years) would have a playmate. and lem has no objections to our desires.

when we got to the breeder's house, we were not so thrilled when we saw the puppy, because she looked so thin (considering she's a daschund, so she has a very long body!), but our hearts melted when the puppy warmed up with ivy and clung on to her not wanting to let go.

we then went home with the new pup. a very curious little one.

yoko ono seemed not to mind having a new housemate. we are hoping she will be the big sister for the new puppy.

i wanted her name to be "Avatar". ivy didn't agree, she said it's too geeky. then i suggested the name "Beatles", thinking it's definitely a good idea as it would blend perfectly with yoko ono's name. in the end, we named her "TJ", short for "tender juicy hotdog". hahahaha, nothing beats pinoy humor!

and the three of us, human housemates? you guess. here's the sample of the pictures lem took.

in deep thought

2006-04-29T00:35:00.002+10:00

when so curious bout something, and keep on trying to find it out...

did i just miss the obvious?
am i waiting for the answer that i wanted?

... sometimes i wonder.

loving one's country

2006-02-27T20:29:00.001+11:00

i learned a not-so-new thing at church yesterday.

we [Filipinos] have an overdeveloped sense of right and an underdevelop sense of duty. we are a shame-oriented people, not a guilt-oriented people.
- bishop efraim tendero

how true. in times of crisis, what we think about is our own safety, that it is our RIGHT to live in a peaceful country. but what are we doing FOR our country?

i guess the Philippines needs us now more than ever. let us do our DUTY, we can start by praying for this country we call our own.

eye candy

2006-02-07T20:24:00.002+11:00

in this crazy, busy, full-of- activities, demanding, stressful phase of my life --- i found a refuge in the world of colorful beads.

my sister ivy bought her jewelry making kit late last year. i envied her having time to work on creative stuff. i wished i'd be able to make jewelry pieces too. but i didn't have the luxury of time. or so i thought.

conditions at work made me so desperate for an outlet to release stress. so two weeks ago, i have decided that i will engage myself in this creative activity. i chose to make earrings because i think they are the easiest things to make. and having been born in the "instant" generation, earrings proved to be instant gratification.

i am now basking myself in universe of colors. i find the spontaneity of the process liberating. no rigorous application of syntax and logic. colors have an unconditioned way of complementing each other. no matter if the colors seem to belong an unlikely crowd, when they are put next to each other, they just fit.

God is very wise. He said in this Word:

Ecclesiastes 3
1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven

i am learning to toil and then unwind.

impressions

2006-01-24T14:20:00.007+11:00

while i was riding an fx(shuttle) to work today,some song was being played over the radio which prompted me to drift into a whimsical thought...

songs become popular for a time, dominate the airwaves and then they're gone to be remembered when the children who love them grow up and make remakes of them.

there are some songs, however, that are loved, despite their not making it to the mainstream.(or at least, i am unaware they were at some point in time) here's a story of one of these songs for me:

my aunt had a cassette tape of the Christopher Cross album, Back of my Mind. i was 9 or 10 years old at that time. i used to play the tape over and over, two songs stayed with me till now: Swept Away and I Will (Take You Forever).

in college, i found out lem digged Christopher Cross' Swept Away.

God brought us together and i believe this to be one of the very early signs.
childhood memories woven into our very lives in the present.

then suddenly i was back to the song that's fading in the background, and smiled, thinking, maybe, some little girl is listening to it the same time a little boy stumbles upon the music and makes it his own. then they meet, in the future...

reasons

2006-01-14T01:41:00.001+11:00

joy: lem, buy mo ko ipod nano?
lem: ba't kailangan ipod?
joy: iriver n lng, hehehe
lem: are you going to use it for what is it, or for what it stands for?
joy: hmm, for what it... stands for?
lem: e di wag na!
joy: e for what it is na ren? *pacute*
lem: *deadma*

i guess now is not a good time to own one yet. tsk tsk tsk.

the moon and i

2006-01-05T02:32:00.004+11:00

lem once gave me a card that says:

you and the moon
always changing
always wonderful

he never fails to warm my heart.

Do I Really Want To Do This?

2006-01-02T20:01:00.002+11:00

Family and friends are becoming farther apart: space and time.
Stories still happen each new day.
Let's stay connected.

* create your own sand art: http://chir.ag/stuff/sand/