yes, a pen and paper

i saw the sun rise today and it compelled me to write.

but what is there to write about?
maybe if i pay more attention to the view outside the window
or watch more sunrises, i would know.
instead, i almost always choose to play jewels on train rides.

still.
here i am really wanting to write.
so.
bear with me as my hand is hoping (or willing) my brain to write.

it's been a long while.

reality bites back harder

being a mom is an exercise of humility --- i make decisions for another life and with that comes wrong ones. most of these mistakes now, my son would not even count against me.

being in the hospital for the 5th day now, i got excited to be able to put on a proper top for galak. i wasn't thinking that he would struggle, as he always does, when being dressed. the cannula came off. the cannula that was painstakingly put in. that i watched put in, in wretched state. 3 times in 5 days. and i heralded the looming 4th one.

the nurse told me casually, "you win some, you lose some". that encouraged me to move on.

moving on, i think about the mistakes, the carelessness and the stupid things i am yet to make as a mom. i pray that none will ever cost my child his life.

humbled, i am reminded again, that nothing is beyond God's grace. i have put this child through a lot and he is only 11 weeks old. he has put up with everything graciously, so far. neither wise nor learned, i pray that God will enable me and sustain me and teach me to forgive myself as i go along.

i need wisdom to hasten to me.

miss diagnosis

for someone who has been living life with reckless abandon
chancing upon fear can be very confusing
i have never looked at fear eye to eye
heck, i never even bothered to look

it had been an uneventful pregnancy
then at 29 weeks, bang
blood pressure was on the rise
and the trend is only going up

my 8-day stint at the hospital was alright
i enjoyed the hot showers and free food and lodging
i was basking in the climate-controlled private room of a public hospital
and i didn't have to pay for medical care

yes, i had been told day in and day out i will deliver prematurely
be transferred to another hospital more equipped to handle my case
and the meds seemed like placebo, (still fear wasn't there)
increase in dosage and variety didn't improve my blood pressure

last saturday though, i was finally sent home, to my delight
then, fear sank in --- what if i am going to have a still-born baby?
now i know fear can be gripping
at least it stopped me on my tracks

might be the triple meds made me more than just drowsy
as nightmares came and went, so did restful sleep
i fancy death, too much personally maybe
but not for the child i am carrying...

i dreaded sleeping as i dreaded waking up
the thought of hospital care brought shivers
i began to imagine the symptoms that weren't there
and oh, if only the baby would move regularly

today's scan was acceptable enough
for the doctor to let me keep the baby another day
3 weeks ago, the doctors weren't expecting me to reach 32 weeks
32 weeks IS tomorrow

i left the hospital feeling less dread, more hope
so this is how it is, living a day at a time
which is a reminder that God wants my complete dependence
my life is His, so is the baby's --- i keep on forgetting

maybe i will reach full term, maybe not
but that doesn't seem to matter now
what i hold on to is God's goodness and grace
despite my faithlessness

i think i am getting used to the meds now
because i am back to feeling well again
and i actually welcome the aches and pains on the side
because they mean my tummy (and baby) is still growing

it is nice to know fear
but nicer to know that God has grips on my life
may i live the rest of my life in reckless abandon still
and may my child choose to live each day of his