reality bites back harder

being a mom is an exercise of humility --- i make decisions for another life and with that comes wrong ones. most of these mistakes now, my son would not even count against me.

being in the hospital for the 5th day now, i got excited to be able to put on a proper top for galak. i wasn't thinking that he would struggle, as he always does, when being dressed. the cannula came off. the cannula that was painstakingly put in. that i watched put in, in wretched state. 3 times in 5 days. and i heralded the looming 4th one.

the nurse told me casually, "you win some, you lose some". that encouraged me to move on.

moving on, i think about the mistakes, the carelessness and the stupid things i am yet to make as a mom. i pray that none will ever cost my child his life.

humbled, i am reminded again, that nothing is beyond God's grace. i have put this child through a lot and he is only 11 weeks old. he has put up with everything graciously, so far. neither wise nor learned, i pray that God will enable me and sustain me and teach me to forgive myself as i go along.

i need wisdom to hasten to me.

miss diagnosis

for someone who has been living life with reckless abandon
chancing upon fear can be very confusing
i have never looked at fear eye to eye
heck, i never even bothered to look

it had been an uneventful pregnancy
then at 29 weeks, bang
blood pressure was on the rise
and the trend is only going up

my 8-day stint at the hospital was alright
i enjoyed the hot showers and free food and lodging
i was basking in the climate-controlled private room of a public hospital
and i didn't have to pay for medical care

yes, i had been told day in and day out i will deliver prematurely
be transferred to another hospital more equipped to handle my case
and the meds seemed like placebo, (still fear wasn't there)
increase in dosage and variety didn't improve my blood pressure

last saturday though, i was finally sent home, to my delight
then, fear sank in --- what if i am going to have a still-born baby?
now i know fear can be gripping
at least it stopped me on my tracks

might be the triple meds made me more than just drowsy
as nightmares came and went, so did restful sleep
i fancy death, too much personally maybe
but not for the child i am carrying...

i dreaded sleeping as i dreaded waking up
the thought of hospital care brought shivers
i began to imagine the symptoms that weren't there
and oh, if only the baby would move regularly

today's scan was acceptable enough
for the doctor to let me keep the baby another day
3 weeks ago, the doctors weren't expecting me to reach 32 weeks
32 weeks IS tomorrow

i left the hospital feeling less dread, more hope
so this is how it is, living a day at a time
which is a reminder that God wants my complete dependence
my life is His, so is the baby's --- i keep on forgetting

maybe i will reach full term, maybe not
but that doesn't seem to matter now
what i hold on to is God's goodness and grace
despite my faithlessness

i think i am getting used to the meds now
because i am back to feeling well again
and i actually welcome the aches and pains on the side
because they mean my tummy (and baby) is still growing

it is nice to know fear
but nicer to know that God has grips on my life
may i live the rest of my life in reckless abandon still
and may my child choose to live each day of his

mum's the word

motherhood
i signed up for it
my application is now being processed

i am pregant
at 16 weeks gestation
and i realise one starts to become a mother not with the birth of one's child
but when one finds out she is pregnant with a child

it is a very challenging role
and like all others, i didn't expect anything at all
which is wise and unwise at the same time

i initially detested the physical intrusions
i felt tired most days
then there's nausea to deal with
and not wanting to eat but having to eat "for the baby"

now those days are theoretically over
i can see myself physically changing though
my waist widening, my tummy firming up and bulging out more
itches here, aches there
my work slacks are slowly getting tight
and chill autumn winds make it not so nice to wear skirts

the list of inconveniences can go on
there's the emotional turmoil one goes through
mulling over letting go of a security blanket, could be a career
and trying to be everything the society, or magazines, dictates
and i haven't even begun pondering on the pain of childbirth...

then i heard a baby's heartbeat
inside me

now i drink milk, at least eat cereals with it
i sleep as much as i can
and pray to God to keep this life in me safe

this is living for another in a very tangible form
and i have to keep up, selfish that i am

i'd say my appreciation for motherhood changed with this pregnancy
to all the mothers whose lives i have considered and pondered upon

ongma, mama, ma, apung nene and aunts
ate wimmy, ate lei, mercy chi and ate candice
aimee, cindy, pen, jeanette and mona
mothers from dcbc, gec, hope anglican/st. paul's and vinnies

thank you

slumber party

i can be very picky with pillows
i require so much from them ---
comfortable, resilient and enduring

until last weekend, my pillows of choice would be soft, fluffy ones
however, over the years, i realised that well-used pillows
change shape and flatten out to the point of being uncomfortable
that i decided to get a firm latex pillow

he who said, "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it" was wise
but i think his wisdom didn't come with age, it came with experience

6 months had past and i am still out of work
(not really, as home duties is a full time responsibility as is
but you know what i mean)

the first 2 had been pure bliss
just the thought of getting out whole from a very stressful role
and then there was preparing for a month-long vacation to the philippines
then the month-long vacation in the philippines

the second 2 had been an agonizing wait
i applied to be admitted to a masters in public health program
and then applied to quite a number of part-time jobs to go with it
only to find out things weren't going to be as i hoped they would

these last 2 months were challenging
dealing with things of all sorts, emotions have been running amuck

once, i applied for a placement in an undergraduate public health program
there was no placement available
it took me 15 years to try again, the same results
being wounded twice in the exact same spot isn't nice at all

then comes staying at home, running a household
which i have always wanted to do if i can afford it
i got what i wanted then realised my pride couldn't afford it

i am so used to be financially independent
(read i am dependent on God alone and not to anybody else)
i seem to hate being taken out of my comfort-zone
(which isn't necessarily comfortable, come to think of it)

i guess getting what i want doesn't mean getting it in my terms
that would be too easy and that would make me bask and boast
i thank God for this

back to my latex pillow
thinking it through, there wasn't a pillow that was instantly comfortable
all took time for me to get used to
some took a while, others took almost none at all

so does change
(which almost always make me defiant
and spend a lot of time moping, whining and sulking)
but i know eventually, i will make the change mine

(i can't say the same for my latex pillow
as there's a no return no exchange policy for pillows
it is mine to begin with)

goodnight.