mum's the word

motherhood
i signed up for it
my application is now being processed

i am pregant
at 16 weeks gestation
and i realise one starts to become a mother not with the birth of one's child
but when one finds out she is pregnant with a child

it is a very challenging role
and like all others, i didn't expect anything at all
which is wise and unwise at the same time

i initially detested the physical intrusions
i felt tired most days
then there's nausea to deal with
and not wanting to eat but having to eat "for the baby"

now those days are theoretically over
i can see myself physically changing though
my waist widening, my tummy firming up and bulging out more
itches here, aches there
my work slacks are slowly getting tight
and chill autumn winds make it not so nice to wear skirts

the list of inconveniences can go on
there's the emotional turmoil one goes through
mulling over letting go of a security blanket, could be a career
and trying to be everything the society, or magazines, dictates
and i haven't even begun pondering on the pain of childbirth...

then i heard a baby's heartbeat
inside me

now i drink milk, at least eat cereals with it
i sleep as much as i can
and pray to God to keep this life in me safe

this is living for another in a very tangible form
and i have to keep up, selfish that i am

i'd say my appreciation for motherhood changed with this pregnancy
to all the mothers whose lives i have considered and pondered upon

ongma, mama, ma, apung nene and aunts
ate wimmy, ate lei, mercy chi and ate candice
aimee, cindy, pen, jeanette and mona
mothers from dcbc, gec, hope anglican/st. paul's and vinnies

thank you

slumber party

i can be very picky with pillows
i require so much from them ---
comfortable, resilient and enduring

until last weekend, my pillows of choice would be soft, fluffy ones
however, over the years, i realised that well-used pillows
change shape and flatten out to the point of being uncomfortable
that i decided to get a firm latex pillow

he who said, "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it" was wise
but i think his wisdom didn't come with age, it came with experience

6 months had past and i am still out of work
(not really, as home duties is a full time responsibility as is
but you know what i mean)

the first 2 had been pure bliss
just the thought of getting out whole from a very stressful role
and then there was preparing for a month-long vacation to the philippines
then the month-long vacation in the philippines

the second 2 had been an agonizing wait
i applied to be admitted to a masters in public health program
and then applied to quite a number of part-time jobs to go with it
only to find out things weren't going to be as i hoped they would

these last 2 months were challenging
dealing with things of all sorts, emotions have been running amuck

once, i applied for a placement in an undergraduate public health program
there was no placement available
it took me 15 years to try again, the same results
being wounded twice in the exact same spot isn't nice at all

then comes staying at home, running a household
which i have always wanted to do if i can afford it
i got what i wanted then realised my pride couldn't afford it

i am so used to be financially independent
(read i am dependent on God alone and not to anybody else)
i seem to hate being taken out of my comfort-zone
(which isn't necessarily comfortable, come to think of it)

i guess getting what i want doesn't mean getting it in my terms
that would be too easy and that would make me bask and boast
i thank God for this

back to my latex pillow
thinking it through, there wasn't a pillow that was instantly comfortable
all took time for me to get used to
some took a while, others took almost none at all

so does change
(which almost always make me defiant
and spend a lot of time moping, whining and sulking)
but i know eventually, i will make the change mine

(i can't say the same for my latex pillow
as there's a no return no exchange policy for pillows
it is mine to begin with)

goodnight.

on to living, the second time around

first times are mostly unexpected, accidents or serendipity
reviews help in the choosing, as excerpts and covers
the allure of reading a book for the first time ---
discovery, novelty and the mystery of not really knowing what you're getting

time off from work gave me some time to give in to my book lust
happy to have finally gotten a copy of the interpreter of maladies
for 50 cents from the hurstville library annual book sale
i have also loaned the great gatsby, in large print because it's the only available copy

but this isn't about books to read
nor is this about books i read about a million times
like the little prince and the velveteen rabbit
which i find comfort in -- their simplicity never fails to perplex me

this is about the luxury of reading a book for the second time
i was surprised that it actually brings an illogical tingling sense of excitement
i can be nostalgic, i wonder what made me like something
i also think back on what i possibly missed out, but most of the time without regret

i have read the chronicles of a death foretold twice
the second time was more mindful than the first, with the intent to understand
to really listen (or read for that matter), i am glad i did

then there's catcher in the rye
which i didn't like when i read it back in highschool
it wasn't a required reading, but joel was reading it
i read it again recently
the story didn't change, but i have
this time i found it a joy to read and holden, someone to remember

i was deciding which book to read next and i was looking at my gabriels
(which thankfully ivy brought to sydney)
there are 3 books i still haven't read

settled to read one hundred years of solitude again
i would like to think of it as putting things in perspective
i need to remember what made me read him in the first place
before i start on the other 3 first-time books
as i hold it in my hands, i feel more uncertain, unsure
"what if it doesn't turn out the way i expected?"

i am suddenly reminded that nothing turns out as expected
that's why i find life so darn hard to live
the same reason why living is interesting
all the same, i want to stay alive for a moment longer to know what happens next

second times can be insightful and are far from dull
they are about deliberately wanting to, not just chancing upon
but i have to remember though, i can't always afford a repeat performance