lady bug

it is snobbishly fine and can be cheerily bouncy
suddenly it listens to no reason and then hangs limp

most days it is confident to face the bright of day
other days it hides shyly in the dark

it has to be tended as it grows sparsely
but without much thought it readies itself in the morning

most of the time it is quite a softie
in the next moment, however, it decides to be a toughie

it has a life of its own and sure gets its way
sometimes it cooperates unwittingly, to my delight

unconsciously i take it for granted,
then i take extra care when buying stuff for it

to my hair that's ever growing, ever changing
you'd taste your first cut in this place tomorrow

the last day of the year

an ode to the spring past

a maori congregation performed tribal songs praising God last sunday. it was a cold day but they wore their traditional costumes. their chants and antics moved me. i asked myself, "who am i?"

i use australian-made toiletries. i wear a shirt that's made in china. my boots are made in spain. i patronize a swiss-made watch. i drink japanese green tea and live for a monthly ramen meal. i love the italians for pasta and pizza. i hail the americans for french fries and potato chips.

i am pinoy and i am in sydney.

in 3 months, i represented different countries in asia: "have you heard of chang?", a product promoter asked me and without waiting for my answer, he looked at my face and exclaimed "of course you do, you're thai!". a friend of my boss came to the office the other day and asked, "where are you from? indonesia?" [i still wonder why people ask and not wait for answers.] then there's a tourist who requested to have her picture taken, and thanked me in mandarin afterwards. good thing i still remember "you're welcome" in mandarin. then there's this one time during a trip in hongkong when an officemate and i had difficulty getting our order of siomai dim sum across to the waiter only to find out that she was refusing to serve us pork dumplings thinking we were malaysians.

i am pinoy. tsinoy. filo. only globalised as one can possibly be.

i long to share filipino christmas songs to the community, but i can't sing. i speak fookien so poorly even my mother can't understand me. i speak english with an american accent as what the locals here say.

i am made in the philippines. i may not look it, or speak it, or eat it. but my smile is definitely it.

i am proud to be pinoy. i attribute the resiliency, the warmth, the sincerity, the kindness, that no-fuss and enduring attitude to having been made from there. [i am thinking out loud as i have been asking for a long time what sets the philippines apart?]

so what am i doing in a foreign country, you might ask. [i ask that too. so no need to apologize for it.] have i forsaken my motherland by coming here? ah, flight versus fight. i can always say that i earn dollars to fund education of children back home. or this or that. however, i don't think it really matters. what matters is knowing where i came from, continuing in growing and loving accordingly.

only time and choices will reveal who one is. and where God puts me, i'd be there. in the meantime, i don't think there is such a thing as forgetting my phillipines.

learn aussie slang with me

somebody i barely know subscribe to word for the day. thinking about it, maybe i should do that too. i'll probably just add to the list below as i learn yet another word.

01. chook - chicken
02. dodgy - not realiable, crappy
03. snake beans - sitaw
04. paw paw - papaya
05. chokoes - sayote
06. barbie - inihaw [barbecue], also refers to the ihawan
07. u-ey - U-turn
08. chuck - put (e.g. chuck it in the rubbish bin)
09. bloke - guy
10. hoover - vacuum cleaner (hoover's a brand, just like saying colgate for toothpaste)
11. snag - sausage
12. mozzie - mosquito
13. sunnies - sunglasses
14. thongs - flipflops
15. singlet - tank top, aka sando
16. jumper - jacket (also, a hoodie)
17. peckish - feeling slightly hungry
18. brollie - umbrella
19. pressie - a present
20. brekky - breakfast

rites of passage

"Permanently migrating to Australia" was the option provided by the disembarkation card for my case. i ticked it, of course. then mulled over what "permanent" means. permanence never occurred to me. not on anything. a long time is not permanent. maybe because i change a lot. maybe because i don't grow roots. permanence is applicable to God, but not to me. all the same, i ticked that option. went through several motions. i am here. away from the rainy philippines to the wintery sydney.

separations, i believe, call for proper mourning. i practice that too. except for this case. when i skipped so many mourning sessions so i could finish all the preparations needed and meet up with as many friends as i could. then there's mama not approving of me crying especially when traveling.

i am thankful for the ride to the airport i shared with ivy. it is only with her that i went through my motions of separation. we cried, acknowledging we'd miss each other. but it's okay. and it's okay to cry. we'd see each other soon. we bid each other take care. fared each other well. i also remember distinctly ta, ma and les. separation, albeit temporarily, paved way for a loving and warm farewell.

as i look out the window, i see brick houses. apartments are now called flats. elevators, lifts. it is currently 2:40pm and everbody is most probably eating lunch in manila. i am in an altogether new place. but my thoughts often drift back to the philippines. i will live here and will likely change a lot. [i hope my accent does not, though.] living calls for growth, not permanence.

food trip

being the picky eater i've become, i thought of listing down my comfort food that i will surely miss(aside from home-cooked meals, malakanin na buko, manggang hilaw, and binatog):

01. el pollo loco - white chicken meat, tortilla and salsa.
02. meylin hand-pulled noodles - kimchi noodles, hot and sour noodles and oyster misua.
03. nypd pizza - lasagna verde (i don't think they still have this on the menu though).
04. JT's manukan - petcho chicken inasal.
05. amici di don bosco - Spaghetti Red Vongole e Gamberattii and Cannelloni Agli Spinaci.
06. mr. kabab - chicken kabab sandwich, roasted tomatoes and yogurt drink.
07. tasty dumplings - kiamchay noodles.
08. aling tonya's, seaside - grilled shrimp and crabs in special sauce.
09. golden fortune, soler - shabu shabu at 20% off.
10. wai ying - shrimp chongfan.
11. shoppersville bakeshop - pancit palabok.
12. enriquez smoothies, shopping center - avocado smoothie and papaya-pinapple smoothie.
13. wendy's - biggie iced tea.
14. jollibee - chickenjoy.
15. polland hopia - fresh lumpia.
16. FIC - vanilla ice cream.
17. chocolat - death by tablea chocolate cake.
18. coffee bean and tea leaf - strawberry and cream tea and genmaicha.
19. chocolate kiss - devil's food cake.
20. via mare - bibingka.
21. coop, up campus - kare-kare.
22. ersao - bubble green tea.
23. cafe monaco - bibimbop and beef pocket.
24. chowking - mantao.
25. gatas ng kalabaw - pure milk.
26. dencia's, davao - lugaw and tokwa't baboy.
27. dusk til dawn, davao - petcho chicken barbecue.
28. cecil's, davao - palabok and batchoy.
29. nanay porie's, kidapawan - petcho chicken barbecue.
30. jaltan, davao - malagkit na kakanin.
31. razon's - halo-halo.

simplify

i have learned that simplification entails so much complications. however, i want to believe it is all worth it. these past days of thinking through what to bring to sydney, with less than a month left, i have been racking my brain (and my heart) on what's important and what's not.

alas, importance is a very difficult word. "what is important to me?" is even more difficult to answer. so i strip myself naked knowing that my life too shall pass and i will eventually separate from everything, everyone. then it dawned on me: LOVE.

John 15:13, says "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." and 1 Corinthians 13 says how this is done. just when i am close to convincing myself i am a loving person, i am proven wrong. but i am no time-traveller, so i can only move forward in time. i am embarking (yet again) on a quest for love.

1. loving means standing by promises made, words uttered. in a generation where self-gratification is of utmost importance, honor is much wanted and most refreshing.
2. generosity is love made visible.
a. ivy came up with this: "if you have anything you haven't used in the last 6 months, give it a new home." it is unfair for the item you have been keeping not to fulfill it's full potential. and you'd definitely make another person smile.
b. "as your income increases, maintain your lifestyle. this will give you more opportunity to give.", kuya ken counseled.
c. i try to seek ways to cut down costs - turn off appliances not in use [helps save the environment for the future generation]; refrain from forwarding unnecessary text messages [saves intended recipients' time] - and use the money instead to sponsor a child's education.
3. loving is having foresight.
a. plant a tree instead of cutting it down. what is the use of saving so much money for your children when they will run out of fresh air to breathe? i personally realized that i should cut down on book buying (paper = trees), i will instead go to the library or trade books.
b. the same goes for clothes (and shoes and bags!). imagine the resources, fuel, raw materials being used to make fabrics. buy from recycle shops and sell or give out those i no longer have plans of using [less fire hazard at home].

i have realized i am bombarded with advertisements so i will be compelled to think i need more than i actually do: if it is now neccessary to stay connected (i.e. mobile phones), i don't think it is necessary to own a 30k unit with all the features not really usable as i have other gadgets (ipod for music, laptop for web, dslr for taking photographs, etc etc.) for the same functions. cut down on redundancy. i pray i won't fall victim of commercialism-consumerism-materialism.

so what is left to bring? a change of clothes [and several thick ones to ward off the cold], t-fal cook set and chopsticks, shoes [stripped down to 8 pairs -- still a lot!], bible and some books, toys [this was a very difficult exercise as all toys seem to be my favorite, one time or another], toiletries and meds and other comsumables, accessories [earrings, hats, bangles] and my accessory-making kit, a towel and a kumot, gadgets and KamoteQ. i think that's about it. i sure hope these stuff would weigh only 40 kilos.

oh, may i remember to love, at all times.

Australian General Skilled Migration

google was what we did, really :)
[then, of course there's jlao.]

[sometime 2006]
1. Information on the Australian Skilled Migration can be found here.

[june 2006, ≈Php16k per person]
2. As IT professionals, skills are being certified by the Australian Computer Society.
Certification results take at least a month and have one year validity [meaning, you have to lodge your application before this certification expires.]

3. You can also check if your skill is in the Australian Migration Occupations in Demand List (MODL).
[this is plus plus pogi points. 20 points i think.]

[february 2007, ≈Php9k per person]
4. IELTS. Just to be sure.
[make sure you review. borrow a reviewer. it would give you an idea how the exam would be like.]

[march 2007, ≈Php80k per application]
5. Lodging the application.
Ours was still paper-based. And documents needed to be notarized and application forms filled out by hand and sent to :

Adelaide Skilled Processing Centre (ASPC)
55 Currie Street
Adelaide SA 5000

However, online application is now available. [more earth-friendly too :)]

[may 2008]
6. When the wait's over.
A case officer would be contacting you and would be asking for a medical certification as well as a police clearance.

[≈Php8k per person]
Contact any one from the panel of doctors:
We went to:

Nationwide Health Systems, Inc
Makati Industrial Clinic
Medical Plaza Makati
Unit 905, 9th Floor
Amorsolo Street (corner Dela Rosa Street )
Makati City
Telephone/Fax: +63 (2) 810 0785
Doctor(s):
Dr Bernadette Carpio-Benitez
Dr Glenn B Benitez

[≈Php500 per person]
Police clearance is being issued by NBI. Indicate "For travel to Australia".

[june 2008, ≈Php320 for courier charges and ≈Php350 for cellphone charges]
7. Evidencing: Visa in your passport.

[july 2008, ≈Php25k per person]
8. Contact the International Organization For Migration for your migration ticketing needs.
We booked a Qantas flight and were given 40 kilos baggage allowance each as first time migrants.

Nitz Delarmente
IOM International Organization for Migration
24th Flr., Citibank Tower
8741 Paseo de Roxas, Makati City
Tel. No. 848-0083
Fax No. 848-1272

salty rainwater

*

she stared at the blades of grass moving helpessly with the wind outside the window that was beside her. she stared so closely, her view was interrupted ever so faithfully by blurry round objects that were the beads of the pulls of the window blinds.

it was a windy sunny day after a storm. and she had prayed that the boy she only sees in her dreams would love her back. but she was awake. and she was not loved back. she continued to stare blankly not knowing she would be meeting him at school the day after.

he was a slender boy. with an old man's eyes. he walked in her class gracefully determined. he seated himself in a chair where she would need to turn her head left very obviously.

they shared the same class every wednesday during that semester. she saw him and loved him more. she wasn't dreaming. loving him in her class was more liberating than loving him in her dreams. her eyes grew brighter each day, despite her years.

"i love you all my life." she said to the boy one stormy night. they were stuck in school because a storm hit their town without prior notice. he was looking at her. his eyes grew dimmer, light fading. he pitied her, that's all. he opened his mouth way too late. her time ran out. unrequited love. she became a pillar of salt. the rain washed what remained of her away.

bash-ing

it is already midyear-ish and almost my birthday too.

yesterday, at church, lem and i made an announcement that we would be leaving for sydney this coming august. ah, that sealed the plans, "officially". for me at least. yes i know that sydney is waiting (we were the ones who applied to get there in the first place), but having been granted a visa 3 weeks ago, made me more hesitant and nostalgic than excited. now, that announcement was the first step. i better start prepare.

yesterday was also the first time i stood in front of the congregation to share what i have been learning lately. dcbc (diliman campus bible church) holds an agape meal every first sunday of every month. and birthday celebrants are encouraged to share things they want to thank God for.

i am more than thankful. my cup is overflowing.

here's the notes i scribbled:

* thankful of God's love:
- never easy, but also never letting go; knows when to withhold and when to give; and He only has good, my good, in His mind
- He spurs me to do likewise, but not without tangible glimpses:
> thankful for lem, whose love is consistent
> thankful for the family, whose love is giving
> thankful for the dcbc community, whose love encourages me to grow more in the knowledge of the God i profess to believe in

* thankful for God's grace
- i have been more unloving than loving yet
- i am often spared from the consequences of the unloving parts
- i have learned too that whether i labor or rest, God is sovereign

* thankful that as i look back the past 29 years, (i'd be 29 in 2 days time), God worked, so that i may delight in Him and Him alone. He uses anything and everything (everything in this earthly life i have is only incidental) to becoming wholly His.

in college, i have i read this from the book of Jeremiah and i continue to hold on to this promise.
38 They will be my people, and I will be their God. 39 I will give them singleness of heart and action, so that they will always fear me for their own good and the good of their children after them. 40 I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good to them, and I will inspire them to fear me, so that they will never turn away from me. 41 I will rejoice in doing them good and will assuredly plant them in this land with all my heart and soul.

Kamote Q

i started taking violin lessons april 10 last month. with 5 sessions behind me, looks like my teacher john agapay will stick at least another 5 sessions more. he was worried i'd give up (on the first session he already told me only those kids forced by parents to learn stick with learning violin); i was betting he'd give up on me (i always felt i can't sing and music has always been an awkward and unnatural thing for me to do).

learning to play the violin is hard. (fine, teacher john definitely knows his stuff). in fact, after the first session, i actually thought things over - why i brought upon myself such punishment of bearing some instrument stuck under my chin and holding it up with my left hand - nakakangawit! as if i don't have enough troubles being a software developer. oppps, yes, math and logic don't seem to mix with arts and spontainiety.

now comes the whys. (i needed to write these down lest i forget and give up).
1. it actually soothes the all stressed-up me after work. hmmm, it is actually fun!
2. the compelling desire (i don't know where it first came from) to learn it. i remembered, i was in japan, working on some project when it hit me: i wanted to learn to play the violin. why the violin? maybe because i can carry it anywhere. and i don't have a love for guitar. so like all loves, this one needed no reason.
3. it would be nice to have my children learn to sing or play an instrument.
4. i enjoy hymns and classical music. i hope to be able to play those to family and friends.

what have i learned so far.
1. bearing the instrument.
2. holding the bow properly. right thumb musn't come down flat.
3. left thumb should keep it's place so it will make things easier for the other fingers to move around.
4. 3 basic rules of bowing
- bow should be slightly slanted
- bow parallel to the bridge
- bow in one track only
5. i got a paganini rosin and learned how to use it
6. cleaning the bow of rosin residue afteruse.
7. cleaning the violin
8. hah! i know the parts and an elementary knowledge of what they're there for: thumb pad, nut, frog's eye, bridge, what have yous.
9. i now know some musical symbols - g-clef, leger lines, notes, staff; i also know how to calculcate the number of notes per meter that are enclosed in bars (hah! this is actually math and logic!) and knowing my musical alphabets, A-G. others may argue that it is more proper to learn the syllables (do-re-mi). but hey, i know my A-G by heart. like, what comes after E? it is F. but i wouldn't instinctively know what comes after sol. :p
10. the first position.

there's is a galaxy of difference between knowing and knowing things by heart. teaher john asked me to play some last night and commented, my music comes out naked. bare-bones. he added, however, that it is a start and i am actually making progress. on the other hand, i feel that i am learning too slow but sucker that i am, i cling on to those words of hope with all my might.

reality checks.
1. it will take me at least a year to be able to play. so practice pratice practice.
2. i am quite envious when i see teacher john plays with speed and precision. he told me to focus on precision, speed will come later.
3. maybe another 5 years to really really play.
4. graduate school won't accept me, but hey, maybe i can get a degree of some sort. a certificate? haha!
5. i need to learn to tune my violin. twin is passionate about that and i can feel her urgency. but first things first, i need to listen intently to the sound it makes. slight changes i should notice. should should should. to someone who blabbers a lot, this is a mighty challenge.

with all those thoughts out of my system, i need to get back to my programming tasks. so i can afford to play my violin.

gatas ng kalabaw

all this talk about being healthy and going organic and raving about "truly pilipinas, worldclass!" and saving the earth makes me dizzy with excitement.

last night, i tried kalabaw's milk for the first time. i found it all of the above and more. it's surprisingly yummy. :)

sort of short

*

"i never have ..."

she woke up one morning happy to smell the grass dampened by a light rain. she had a dream. she was actually awaken by the dream. but like most dreams she had, she couldn't remember the one she just had. she felt this weird sad feeling that lingers. she got out of bed and chose to focus on the sweet smell of rain telling herself today's going to be a lovely day.

or so she said, and she was quite good at convincing herself.

the day after he was gone, more truthfully, after she said goodbye to him, she sat in front of her workstation and picked on giving the dream a memorial. she believed that one had to remember so one could forget. but she knew too that one doesn't really forget.

they were an unusual pair. like one was white chocolate and the other white gold. both ironies. theirs was a roller coaster ride. a happy one. a painful one. of course, like all other stories, she could only think of what went on in her mind and heart. she would not know of his. a glimpse, yes. a hunch, most probably, but she would never know.

in the dream, she saw him with another. she would dream with assumptions as she would dream of faceless people. but she knew it was him. and she knew it was not her beside him. but she knew all that a long time ago. long before she chose to take his hand in hers (or was it allowing him to take hers in his? ah remembering could get so confusing.) to walk the highway.

in the dream, she had wanted to call out his name. but telling herself she shouldn't, she didn't. however, he sensed her presence and turned to where she was. their eyes locked. understanding completely without really understanding. he excused himself from his companion and walked toward her. he said "i never have...".

she never heard the sentence completed because her alarm went off. but she never really needed to hear the sentence completed because she knew what that lingering sorrow meant - he said, "i never have loved you."

that day wasn't the day she said goodbye. the days after seemed to pass by so quickly. they talked, as usual. she even told him of the dream she forgotten.

but like all rides, theirs had to end. and as she was about to take her empty cup of tea to the sink, she asked herself, what if what she believed he said wasn't what he really said?

"i never have loved anyone like i have loved you."
she wouldn't really know.

played pickupsticks with jas

"ice cream!", everybody suddenly cried out.
hot summer is here and birthday feasts in the philippines almost always end with a gallon (or 2 half gallons of different flavors) of ice cream.

it was gracey's birthday and we gathered around to check what flavor we would be having but knowing full well we'd definitely had to have a taste of both.

there was no ice cream scooper. i took it upon myself to serve the ice cream using a soup laddle. "this is servanthood." i announced after kuya jaime initiated (or was it a email) a discussion on the subject. "we tried washing each other's feet once..", i remembered jean sharing. "but it definitely was an awkward time!", charm recalled.

so, i started scooping. since i frequent ice cream parlors/booths/stations, i have observed how ice cream is made to be served roundish. using a soup laddle is not an excuse not to make the ice cream fat and round before letting it sit on a cone.

there had been no problem until ate nestine wanted hers to be a mixture of two flavors and of little quantity each. she took my scooper, and made herself a serving of ice cream of her preference. then i objected, saying, "but ate, that is not round enough! it won't sit well on the cone.. let me.."

"joy has servanthood issues!" faith shouted. and we all broke into laughing fits. "how controlling! she won't allow anyone near the ice cream containers.." "and she's holding on to the box of cones so no one else can scoop ice cream on their own!"

thus "ice cream test" was born. where the scooper's desire to serve is tested -- to serve in her own terms or to serve to other people's delight.

that night,
1. i was reminded to live the moment and that i still can (thank you gracey for pointing this out to me)
2. it was affirmed that death is inevitable so say your eulogies to each other now (we brought flowers too!)
3. aliks was wishing us to choose to dance no matter what (yes, he sang for gracey..)
4. i learned that there is actually a bird of paradise flower and ram (and charm) are ever to be lauded for their ingenuity
5. i spoke of dying and choosing to live (this is not philosophical at all, believe me)
6. gracey showed us courage (in living, being transparent, reaching out, silent thoughfulness, prayerful lovingkindness) and living out her name, Grace.
7. we were told by kuya jaime not to mention arnel salgado's name again in his house, hahahaha!

and we met again, the following week (just this wednesday), to celebrate ram's birthday. there was ice cream of course.

to jeanix, aliks, gracey, ttarts and ram: God has been faithful and i believe He will continue to be. Cheers for another year and the many years to come!

i can finally afford a UP fair

after a hundred years... hahaha, i don't think i want to live a hundred years.

i guess tonight's the final night of the centennial UP fair.

dropped by. out of nostalgia. out of curiosity.
an excuse to walk about diliman campus is welcome anytime. arrived around 10. unibersidad ng pila still holds true.
yes, there was actually a long queue to buy tickets at 70 pesos each.
and another much much longer queue to get in.
now i wonder how these students can afford the fee, when i couldn't, back in college.
the only time i was able to was when compsoc had a booth inside...

UP is still UP --- we are called to "SERVE THE PEOPLE"
no booze booths. unbelievable.
henna tattoo booths abound.
then there's graphic tees.
assortment of inihaw.
almost wholesome drinks --- think c2 (still too sweet for my taste)
perya.
tsubibo.
smokers. non-smokers. and more smokers.
lights. music. cold night wind.
then suddenly,time to go home.

bought a tee that says "LITTLE MISS FIGHTING MAROONS"
cute huh? sounds like little miss fighting moron too.
got myself a new fave tee.

"IS THERE ANY GREATER JOURNEY THAN LOVE?"

saw this ad last week on an old issue (november last year, i think) of newsweek magazine.
been mulling over it since. found out the more i think i know about love, the less i actually know about it.
live love, no answers needed.

cleaning up

lem and i left japan toward the end of last year and did a lot of cleaning up - project-related documents were shredded (hah! i did the shredding on a high tech shredding machine) desktops cleaned (those who've worked with me know how cluttered my machine desktop can get), hey i cleaned out the actual desktop(where the machine sits) as well. then there's packing up the past 8 months - grateful for what had been, excited for the homecoming.

being home is delight.
think comfort. of family. of friends. of understanding what you hear. of getting the gist of the song being played on a public transport (suddenly, it dawned on me that public transports in japan don't have any music being forced on the commuters). of not really thinking. home sweet home. (where almost all beverage is served sweet :p ) i guess it is now apt to say, home salty home.

got the hang of cleaning up, decided to clean up our room too. meaning, throw away stuff not needed (or give them away). get rid of paper stacks (aka fire hazards). fine, there are still a lot of stacks untouched...

then i came across a loose leaf torn from a spring notebook.
second year college. student camp. group presentation.
jeanette scribbled the words of a song with a blue-inked pen to be used as a copy as 4 of us friends from high school (aliks and sammy) sang to the other participants. (i tried very hard to sing, so i guess that qualifies as singing)

and the words still ring true, my wish for you too.

JESUS IN YOUR HEART

If I could have one wish I know what I'd like to find
If I could have one dream come true before my eyes
More than a pot of gold
More than a pathway to the stars
More than anything I know
I want Jesus in your heart

If I could paint a picture in my mind of what I'd like to see
If I could take you once inside my deepest dreams
More than a treasure's glow
More than a comet trav'ling far
More than anything I know
I want Jesus in your heart

He's more than all the world can give
When He truly comes to live
In your heart
Why do you try to search for more
When He's what you are looking for
In your heart

I pray you'll find Jesus
I want Jesus in your heart

a happy new year everyone!