slumber party

i can be very picky with pillows
i require so much from them ---
comfortable, resilient and enduring

until last weekend, my pillows of choice would be soft, fluffy ones
however, over the years, i realised that well-used pillows
change shape and flatten out to the point of being uncomfortable
that i decided to get a firm latex pillow

he who said, "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it" was wise
but i think his wisdom didn't come with age, it came with experience

6 months had past and i am still out of work
(not really, as home duties is a full time responsibility as is
but you know what i mean)

the first 2 had been pure bliss
just the thought of getting out whole from a very stressful role
and then there was preparing for a month-long vacation to the philippines
then the month-long vacation in the philippines

the second 2 had been an agonizing wait
i applied to be admitted to a masters in public health program
and then applied to quite a number of part-time jobs to go with it
only to find out things weren't going to be as i hoped they would

these last 2 months were challenging
dealing with things of all sorts, emotions have been running amuck

once, i applied for a placement in an undergraduate public health program
there was no placement available
it took me 15 years to try again, the same results
being wounded twice in the exact same spot isn't nice at all

then comes staying at home, running a household
which i have always wanted to do if i can afford it
i got what i wanted then realised my pride couldn't afford it

i am so used to be financially independent
(read i am dependent on God alone and not to anybody else)
i seem to hate being taken out of my comfort-zone
(which isn't necessarily comfortable, come to think of it)

i guess getting what i want doesn't mean getting it in my terms
that would be too easy and that would make me bask and boast
i thank God for this

back to my latex pillow
thinking it through, there wasn't a pillow that was instantly comfortable
all took time for me to get used to
some took a while, others took almost none at all

so does change
(which almost always make me defiant
and spend a lot of time moping, whining and sulking)
but i know eventually, i will make the change mine

(i can't say the same for my latex pillow
as there's a no return no exchange policy for pillows
it is mine to begin with)

goodnight.